This is where the healing begins.

So you thought you had to keep this up

All the work that you do

so we think that you're good

And you can't believe it's not enough

All the walls you built up 

are just glass on the outside

So let 'em fall down

There's freedom waiting in the sound

When you let your walls fall to the ground

We're here now

This is where the healing begins

This is where the healing starts

When you come to where you're broken within

The light meets the dark

The light meets the dark

Afraid to let your secrets out

Everything that you hide

can come crashing through the door now

But too scared to face all your fear

So you hide, but you find

that the shame won't dissapear

So let it fall down

There's freedom waiting in the sound

When you  let your walls fall to the ground

We're here now

This is where the healing begins

This is where the healing starts

When you come to where you're broken within

The light meets the dark

The light meets the dark

Sparks will fly as grace collides

With the dark inside of us

So please don't fight 

this coming light

Let his blood come over us

His blood can cover us

This is where the healing begins

This is where the healing starts

When you come to where you're broken within

The light meets the dark

The light meets the dark

-Tenth Avenue North

Heard this song on the radio tonight coming home from work. I've probably heard it a dozen times before, but this is the first time the Lord opened my ears to HEAR the words. "So you thought you had to keep this up, all the WORK that you do so WE THINK that YOU are GOOD!" Story of my life!!! 

Story of my life. I have always, always, just felt inately and inherently BAD! Until recently, I didn't understand that I feel that way because I AM! Because, we ALL are, and that the grace of God covers me, the blood of Christ covers me, making me blameless before the Lord. I've gone to church my whole life and this is a new concept for me. Tell me how this happens? I don't even know. But I'm just SO grateful that the Lord has opened my eyes to this truth. 

Up until now I've just lived a lie. I can actually remember the day I made that conscious decision to BE good, perfect, blameless, at all costs. It was a simple thing. I thought if I was GOOD, it would stop. That my Dad would stop hurting me, and start loving me. That my Mom would stop ignoring me, and start loving me. If only I was GOOD enough. So it started with the dishes. After dinner, I cleared the table, washed and loaded the dishwasher without being asked. I think I was 6 or so years old, maybe 7. My mom was shocked, she even said something like, "are you sick? Whats wrong with you?" and my Dad yelled at me for not loading the dishwasher properly. But it was a response. So I kept it up. 

Everything had to be perfect. Perfect grades, perfect behavior, I always had to say and do the right things. This included being a Christian. I was  Christian by word and deed for 26 years, but my heart was cold and dead to God until 2-3 years ago (when mercifully God spoke and I heard for the first time) As I got older, my "goodness" had to get bigger to cover the darkness within me. By college, I honestly felt if I wasn't personally saving the world, then I was nothing and might as well not exist. I literally believed this. This lie led me to move to Mexico and give my life to the people there. There wasn't anything wrong with what I was doing, and I genuinely LOVED those people, those kids, and that country. But my heart was in the wrong place. I was doing this to bring glory to myself through the form of others thinking I was a "good" person. I also did it to earn the love of a man.

If I had it to do over again, I would. But it would be about bringing Glory to God, and it would be because God loved me, not to earn God's love. Oh how things might have been different. But there is no point in looking back and saying "if only". I have the rest of my life ahead of me, be it a day, a week, a month, or many years. "We;re here now" and God can use me. I'm pleading with God to use me to his Glory. I know that he will...in his time.

That's the frustrating part. I've chased this idea of earning my goodness to the point of being in Graduate school getting a masters degree in Social Work. I'm having almost a crisis of self in that for the past ten-twelve years at least, I've been actively working towards being this big humanitarian, out to save the world. Now I know that I can't save the world, only God can. Ironically, in my quest to be this humble, giving, selfless person, working tirelessly for others, I became horribly self absorbed and self important. As if I could make any difference. Really? What was I thinking. 

So it begs the question. What am I doing with my life? Should I be pursuing this degree? I have an undergrad degree in Social Work, and outside of the Mexico program, I have never worked in the field. Not that I haven't tried. I've never been able to find a job. More than that, I've never really been able to see myself as a social worker in practice. I'm a very visual person. Usually if I'm able to visualize myself doing something, I can do it. At no point in my pursuit of being the "good" social worker have I ever been able to see myself in that role. I try, but just get a blank. Now, whether that means anything or not I don't know. 

What does God have for me to do in this life? I don't know. And its KILLING me. The lie that if I'm not saving the world I'm nothing is deeply entrenched in my heart. Without this goal of becoming a social worker and saving the world, I feel worthless, hopeless, lost, broken, empty. This is how I approach Christ. Broken. 

My go-to way of dealing with these empty lost feelings is suicide. Somehow, having a plan all worked out, and a back up plan to that plan, and making sure everything is arranged that I can "check out" at any time is hugely comforting to me. I need to take comfort in the Lord, and not in death. I'm praying that the Lord would help me find that place of comfort and healing.