A Good Father

My Pastor said something at church on Saturday that really hit home for me. He was talking about the depth of the sacrifice of God's son on the cross. He says that some people might be so bold as to sacrifice themselves for another; the military, police, firemen, the rare brave man off the street, but none of those people would willingly sacrifice their own child for another person, not one. And that, I believe. I don't think any father would sacrifice their own child for the good of someone else, with absolutely no gain for himself. This casts a whole new light on the beauty of the cross for me. I had always seen God's sacrificing his son as a callous act of an unloving father. Or, not really a sacrifice at all, after all, he knew he would be alive again in 3 days.

The reason I struggle is that my experience has been that fathers, or parents, can and do often sacrifice their children for their own selfish benefit. It happens all the time. Parents choose work or career over their kids so that they might benefit in wealth, prestige or power. Parents will divorce, date and remarry over and over again, to the detriment of their children, for the sake of themselves, with no regard to what this does to the children or what it teaches and models for them. Parents will abuse their kids to make themselves feel better about themselves, big and important and in control. Fathers rape their children for their own sick pleasure. Some will even outright sell their child to another man to be raped and molested for money or drugs or both. This is what my dad did to me. He isn't alone. The sex trade is rampant and packed with mostly young girls, some stolen, some obtained through deceit, but most purchased willingly from their parents. Hear me, some parents make the conscious choice to sell their children into sexual slavery. So yes, parents sacrifice their children for their own personal gain all the time.

This was the lens with which I viewed God; distant and cruel, unloving and selfish. Selling His son into suffering to ransom the souls of men who would then bring HIM glory and honor and praise. But this is not a correct view of God. God was so pained by the suffering His son endured that he had to turn away. He couldn't bear to look, even though he KNEW he would be raised from the dead, whole and restored, in just three days. God suffered the way that loving parents suffer when their child is hurting and it cannot be stopped. I should not wither at the thought of being a child of God, because God loves His children deeply and does not willingly afflict them or sacrifice them. His heart aches with the brokenness of his children. In sacrificing his Son, he subjected himself to the worst emotional pain imaginable - the loss of a child. Oddly enough, I have always said that I could not imagine a more painful experience in life than a loving parent watching helpless as their child suffers and dies. I have absolutely no basis for this deeply held belief because I have no children. But I have always felt that way, perhaps by the prompting of the Holy Spirit, so that one day I could dare to imagine God's love for me that He would sacrifice his own son unto death, willingly, for ME, while I was still a sinner and an enemy of God, with nothing lovely or redeemable about me. He endured the greatest pain imaginable, the watching with restraint as His son suffered and died to save me! How great the love of God! Even greater that He would instill in me a belief and understanding for a depth of pain and grief that I have no basis from which to understand. Its so beautiful that He would love me so much that instead of rejecting me for my wrong and extremely negative view of Him, He met me where I was to gently show me the truth about His deep and abiding love for me.

Oh Father, forgive me for continually accusing you of evil of which you are not capable. Thank you for opening my eyes to your love for me. Please Lord, give me a measure of your understanding and compassion, that I can meet others where they are with great love and tenderness and engage them from a place of understanding and lead them gently to truth just as you have always done for me. I love you Father, I thank you, and Bless your name forever.
In JESUS name, Amen.

I frustrate people

I frustrate people. I don't intend to, but the inevitable outcome of anyone attempting to console me is frustration. I often hear things like, "I don't feel like I'm very helpful" or "I just don't know how to help you" or "I want to take this away from you but I can't" And I feel bad. Suddenly, I'm consoling them and adding guilt to my list of woes.

I am tragically complex in my pain and people love me and want desperately to help me but don't know how to weave through every facet and caveat of my persistent misery. They feel helpless and I feel guilty and nobody every walks away from these conversations feeling encouraged.

But I realized something tonight. This same, frustrating, discouraging experience, time and again, has birth in me a level of patience and compassion for the helpers and the helpless that I would never have known had my wounds been easily soothed with simple consolation. Secondly, it has driven me time after time, night after night, to the total sufficiency of Christ Jesus, the God of all comfort, for the only lasting solace I have ever found.

The reason for this is both simple and profound. Jesus is the answer, no matter what the question is. In Jesus and only in Jesus can I find the fullness of everything I could ever need or desire. When I feel hopeless, I find hope in Christ Jesus. When I feel worthless, I find worth in Christ Jesus. When I am in despair, I find joy in Christ Jesus. When I am overcome with anxiety and fear, I find peace in Christ Jesus. When I am in anguish and deep turmoil, I find comfort in Christ Jesus. When I am trapped, I find freedom in Christ Jesus. When I am deceived, I find truth in Christ Jesus. When I am threatened, I find shelter in Christ Jesus. When I am tired, I find rest in Christ Jesus. When I am weak, I find strength in Christ Jesus. When I am empty, I find fulfillment in Christ Jesus. When I am at my lowest, I am sustained by Christ Jesus.When I fail, I find victory in Christ Jesus.

So, dear helper, do not by dismayed by this elaborate mess of a human being in front of you. Take heart, and point me back to Christ. He will do the rest.