I first posted this on Facebook on January 9, 2010. Ran across it tonight and was once again infused with joy. We all need a reminder from time to time.
I really hesitate to tell people why I'm so happy, though I probably shouldn't. Its just that, I know many of my friends have different beliefs and I respect them and I don't want anyone to think I'm trying to convert anyone or anything like that. This isn't the Crusades. But if my joy finds itself infectious, then I won't complain. Because its all about changing lives for the better. Mine has certainly gone that direction. Some may say, pull yourself together girl you sound like a crazy person. But if this is crazy, then cheers to my maddness, long may it flourish!
So, here goes.
I went to church tonight, I've been going more lately. I found a new church called the Village with a terrific pastor who is an amazing speaker. Prior to finding the village, I started going to a bible study in Dallas. I know, random, but I think it was all meant to go down this way. When I was younger, I was religious. I said the right things, but I only believed in God because I was afraid to go to Hell frankly. One of the things I learned tonight was that God wants us to believe in Love, not in Fear. I didn't understand any of this back then. So of course, I became disillusioned with church and God and took a break from it, during which time, my life went to pot. I was desperately unhappy, seeking salvation from one wrong man after another, not wanting to live didn't see the point in it really, just miserable. But then, after I pretty much hit rock bottom, I started going to this bible study and now this church and for the first time in my life, I feel like people are being honest with me, that I'm hearing the truth and I feel like I understand now, all the suffering and pain I've been through and that the world has been through.
So why am I happy? Because God loves me despite everything. All those mistakes I've been beating myself up for all these years, God has forgiven me all of them and the ones I haven't even made yet. Its okay for me to be human and make mistakes. Doesn't mean I don't have to make it right when I can, just means I don't have to hate myself. But tonight, I don't know, I guess I just really FELT loved, really loved, for the first time. And I feel IN love. Jesus died for me, is there no greater love. He takes care of me, He listens to me, even at four in the morning, he understands me, and I LOVE him. I finally feel like it doesn't matter that I'm fat and single and poor. I know a love greater than all others, can I really ask for more? Not in this life. And to know that I will never know a night that does not end in dawn, because God has given me eternal life, and not THIS life, not the painful, tedious, laborious life we lead now, but a perfect heavenly life, full of love and beauty and no pain, no more sorrow, no more tears. Its just overwhelming.
And that is why I am happy. Praise be to Lord Jesus, the author of my Joy!!
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