Two things I'm struggling with right now (okay, more than two, but these are the two I want to talk about).
First Idolatry. Until 2 weeks ago, I didn't think I had a problem with idolatry. I could certainly pinpoint times in my past where I had idols, men mostly, but I thought this was a thing of the past. I thought idols were something God had purged from my life for me, because I couldn't do it myself. But Sunday two weeks ago, my pastor mentioned "comfort" in a list of things we might hold as idols in our lives. Immediately I was convicted. I absolutely idolize my comfort. It had never occurred to me that I could idolize something so intangible. When I think about it, my comfort drives just about everything I do. All of my anxiety stems from threats to my comfort. My "reasons" for not living missionally all boil down to a temporary loss of comfort. Pray with my that the Lord would purge this idol from my life. This ties in later, I promise.
The second thing that has been on my heart recently is this idea of spiritual gifts. I truly, honestly believed that I didn't have any. But my Sponsor mentioned a few weeks back that I might have more clarity as to the Lords path for my life if I understood the ways in which the Lord has gifted me. Not sure where to begin this, I did the only thing I knew how to do. I googled "What are my spiritual gifts" and found a litany of online tests I could take to determine this. So I took several of these tests and they all came out with the same results. I scored high in three areas, Poverty, Faith and Celibacy.
All three of these areas really click with me. Take Poverty for example. For most of my adult life, I've drifted further and further away from the excesses of wealth that seem to permeate our society. I feel that God has been pruning me in this area for many years, even before I acknowledged him as Lord of my life. Living my life as frugally as possible so that I might be able to give more to the work of the Lord is something I am eager to do. I'm praying and looking forward to the ways the Lord will lead me in this. My one fear, though, is that I will use this as an excuse to deprive myself out of a hatred for myself more than out of a love for the Lord and a desire to obey and glorify Him. I must constantly question my motives. Doing the right thing for the wrong reason is still wrong, as I learned in Mexico.
Faith is a gift I had not considered a "gift" until now. I am guilty of thinking that it was something of myself, a decision I had made of my own power. I'm only just beginning to realize the depths to which God has allowed me to experience faith in Him. Human beings aren't capable of generating faith. Faith is entirely against human nature. Yet I do feel very strong in my faith. This is something new that's developed in the past few years. I used to say that one could not have faith unless they first questioned. I'm not sure how true that is anymore. Having faith means I don't need to question, I just trust and obey. It is a gift, a gift of certainty. I wish it was a gift I could give others.
Celibacy is an interesting one, and the one I am struggling the hardest with right now. Not because I don't want to live a celibate life, but because I really DO! Being called to a life of celibacy releases me from ever having to deal with the elephant in my life. Sex. Abuse. Healthy Relationships. If I never have to date, marry, have a family, I am free to ignore all of that. Of course I'm absolutely loving the possibility! Now some of this desire I believe is God given. I have never really wanted children, and I don't really know what to do with them. Not having a family isn't any real sacrifice for me. I've always felt that way. Surely that is a mercy from God? As for dating and marriage, I did want that, for a season. Every now and then I think I want that again, but even trying to imagine that level of intimacy with anyone exhausts me. I just don't think I have it in me. So it begs the question; am I being called to celibacy? Or am I choosing celibacy against God's will for my life? Or is God using my life circumstances in his mercy to make this calling easier for me to handle. Am I choosing celibacy so that I can run to and cling to Christ? Or am I choosing celibacy so that I can run from and hide from man and the world? This is the million dollar question.
So these are the things I'm praying about, and searching the scriptures for answers. If you know of any scripture references that might be helpful, please share!
A post on this later, but if anyone has any resources on fasting I would really appreciate. Struggling with this.
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