My testimony

Last weekend, I was baptized by immersion in faith in Jesus Christ at the Village Church. As part of my baptism, I was able to give my testimony. This is roughly what I said, though I did go off-script a bit.

Testimony for Baptism 

3/20/2011

I was born into a Christian home and grew up in the church, this church actually. My parents were founding members of First Baptist Church Highland Village.  In those days, my belief in God was based on a fear of going to hell, and any level of obedience to the Lord, including my baptism at age 7, was done out of fear and not love or a right relationship with the Lord. 

I spent my youth going to church, Sunday school, youth camps, GA’s, VBS, Awanas, and heard all about sin and all the things we are not supposed to do. I thought if I just didn’t do those things, I would be okay. But I would go home, and many of those things were being done to me. I was sexually abused by 2 family members for many years, the same family members that often attended church with me, and that were supposed to protect me.  As most children who are sexually abused do, I blamed myself for what was happening to me. I assumed this was my punishment for not being good enough. I didn’t understand God’s love. I didn’t understand love at all. But I was afraid. If God’s punishment of my sins was this severe on earth, the very idea of hell was terrifying. 

So I must have answered a dozen alter calls, and prayed the sinners prayer a hundred times, for good measure, just to be sure I was safe from hell. But I was far from safe. I was lost and wandering in darkness. 

At an early age I got the idea that if I appeared perfect on the outside, then no one, not even God, would see the guilt, shame and filth on the inside.  So I tried to be perfect. It started out with little things like clearing the dinner table or cleaning my room without being told. Making perfect grades in school because an obsession. I was a doormat for my peers because it was exceedingly important that EVERYBODY like me. Every day I tried my hardest to be a “good person” and every day I fell short.  I hated myself and wanted to die. 

In my late teenage/early college years, I became angry with ‘the church’. The standard I aspired to that was set before me by the church to be worthy of God’s love was impossible to attain. When I sought help, I was met with condemnation. So I gave up trying to earn God’s love by the standards of the church and started trying to earn the love of man by the standards of the world. 

So I set out to be all things to all people. I never said no to anyone. I never disagreed with anyone. I would do anything to please, and I mean anything.  There are people in this world who seem to have radar for people like me. The kind of people I attracted were abusive, controlling and manipulative. I was never good enough for them either. 

I dedicated my life to helping others. I volunteered in my free time and studied social work in school. This culminated in me moving to rural Mexico to work with a non-profit in early 2005. Every day, I gave all of myself in a never ending quest to justify my continued existence on this planet.  Every night I saw nothing but my shortcomings and failures. I hated myself, and that hatred deepened with each passing day. My guilt, shame and despair were heavy weights shackled to my legs growing heavier with every mistake I made. Thoughts of suicide became constant. In late 2007, I was in a dark, dark place. Despairing and hopeless. 

That is where God found me. He put me in a thankless, tiresome job that I hated, but with wonderful co-workers that I loved. In one of these women I observed a great change over the course of several months. In a place filled with misery, she seemed to have new joy. When I asked her about this, she told me about a singles ministry at a church in Dallas and about her small group. I promptly invited myself to this bible study. 

God used the women in this small group to change my life in radical ways. These women loved the Lord and sought him in earnest. They prayed with sincerity and looked to the bible for answers to life’s questions.  At first, I found this very intimidating, but God persisted in bringing me back to the group, week after week. For 2 years I walked with these women and got to know the nature and character of God for the first time. During this time, God was transforming my heart and my life in mighty ways. This process was at once incredibly beautiful, and deeply painful. 

One Saturday, I checked out a service at The Village church with the encouragement of one of my small group leaders. Matt preached about the idea of “goodness” and how we might measure up as compared to a neighbor or family member, but never next to the perfect life and goodness of Christ.  I found this oddly comforting.  I am not a good person. There is no such thing. God KNOWS this. That is why he sent his son to die on the cross to absorb the wrath meant for me. Chandler also said that God’s love was for me now, as I am, and not some future version of me. This idea that God loves ME, the broken, sinful, shame filled me right now is amazing and incredible.  

The God of the universe does not NEED anything from me. Also, there is nothing that can be hidden from him. He already knows the darkest parts of my heart and he STILL loves me! It just blows my mind that love like that is possible and freely given to us. 

God led me to put down roots in my own community, so I joined the Village church and the Lord has been faithful to put amazing, Christ centered people in my life. Biblical community is an amazingly powerful thing.  

Last fall, I once again found myself in a dark place, and I had gathered the means necessary to end my life. Late one night, I sent an email from the Village Church website. I had no idea who I was even emailing or if I would get a reply, but I poured out my despair to whoever, and waited for a reply.  Someone did answer that email, and walked with me out of that dark place. I joined Recovery, then Step studies, and I walk a little further away from that life every day. 

I am not fixed now, nor will I probably ever be. God did not take away my past, the abuse, the shame, the guilt. It’s all still there, but Christ has worked in my heart to change my response to those things. He is molding me in his image bit by bit, day by day. 

I can’t stand here today and tell you about a magical moment in which I was saved. I can’t tell you the day or the hour that it happened. It’s been a journey, a long process that continues. But I can stand here today, assured of my salvation. I am pursuing baptism today out of loving obedience to Jesus Christ. No more alter calls or fear of hell, just an ever deepening relationship with a sovereign Lord, who loves me for me. He died that I might live, that is what makes life worth living. 

My Prayer on my baptism night, was that the Lord would speak through me, in a story not about me, but about the power, grace and mercy of God! I can safely say, the the Lord answered that prayer in a powerful way. A week later, I still get stopped by perfect strangers who heard my testimony and were moved.  I could never have touched anyone that way. Only the Holy Spirit speaking through me could move in such a powerful way.