Originally Posted 1/2012 "Praising HIm for the Intervention"

Two weeks ago at Elder Prayer, I specifically prayed for opportunities to share the Gospel and my testimony. God has been faithful to provide these opportunities since. Earlier this week, I got to tell my old college roommate about Jesus. It was a tense conversation. When we lived together, I was a much different person. Since we graduated, I had become a true follower of Jesus Christ, and she started practicing Budhism, Santaria, and attends a Unitarian church. We had a good discussion about who God really was, and what Jesus’ life and death really means for us. She didn’t receive it well.

I found out today she went to another mutual friend of ours from school and told her I was “scary crazy” and had joined some kind of “damn cult”, her words not mine. This friend called me, concerned. She was a Social worker by training, like myself, so wanted to set up an intervention for me. All this Jesus talk, I had CLEARLY lost my mind.

I just have to laugh at this. When we all lived together, I was drinking heavily, I was mutilating my own body daily, I was dating abusive men, I was depressed, suicidal, self destructive, on a fast track to an early death, but neither of these “friends” thought it was necessary to “stage an intervention” at that point.

But now? Now that Jesus Christ intervened FOR me, now that he RESCUED me, now that my life has meaning and purpose. Now that I have hope, peace and joy, NOW – I need an “intervention”. I honestly can’t stop giggling about the irony in this. And I’m overjoyed by this evidence of God’s grace and mercy. He has changed my heart and my life so RADICALLY that I am no longer palatable to society. My former close friends no longer recognize me. My heart is filled with praises for his goodness.

So my prayer now is this, that my friends would one day also know this level of peace and joy. If God can work a miracle in my heart, there is NOTHING beyond his redemptive power. So I will keep declaring the truth, and proclaiming the gospel, and praying for the Holy Spirit to do a great work in the hearts of those that listen long enough to hear me before they declare me insane.

Originally Posted 4/2012 "Living for Him"

I used to think God was punishing me in life by putting me into situations and places where most people in these same circumstances would feel justified in their unhappiness. In reading in Galatians, and in Tullian Tchividjian’s book, "Jesus + Nothing = Everything, I’ve come to realize that this is really God’s mercy.

Its God’s mercy that I don’t live for the things of this world. There is no relationship, no person, no position, no wealth or power that is holding me here. I can freely and truly say that I am living only for the glory of God, and I can only say that because I do have nothing else.

God knows me. he knows my heart will quickly make an idol of anything that brings me happiness in this moment, or in this life. God knows that I am lazy and a quitter. If I see something that I perceive will make me happy, safe and content NOW, that’s what I will go for. My wicked heart with betray the Lord every time. Indeed, it always has.

But in His mercy, God has stripped all of that away, so that I can lean on NOTHING outside of HIM! Praise God! He could have let me go to pursue the empty joys of this life and chase the wind to the end of my days only to end up alone and in darkness apart from him.

But God said no. He would not give me over to the short sighted and ignorant desires of my heart. He has something better for me. He’s saving me for it. Slowly he is replacing a desire to be with Him because it means a release from this world of unhappy circumstances with a desire to serve him here and now, to further his kingdom on earth, to walk in obedience in love so that I can know the joy of the fullness of Him, now and forever.

Do I lose sight of this promise? Every 3 minutes. Literally. You can cook an egg to my fickle-heart. I take my eyes off of Jesus and I get lost. Jesus! Jesus! Bill Collector! then Jesus! Jesus! Illness! Jesus! Jesus! Depression. Jesus! Jesus! Broken Appliances. Jesus! Jesus! Loneliness! I’m like a gold fish with my ability to remember Gospel peace, grace and promise. But there is still more Grace! He brings me back to him with gentle compassion and understanding, every 3 minutes. He is gentle and loving, even in his discipline. His loving kindness is evidence in him revealing all of this to me.

What mercy! Sometimes I despair of life and want to be with Him. Sometimes I despair in life, but find joy in the closeness this brings me to Him. Today, I am just thankful.

Year of Blessings

Someone I was talking to earlier this week made the remark that "31 has been a bad year for you, hasn't it"
I suppose the answer is, in some ways, yes, but overall, no.

Yes, I spent my 31st birthday in a mental hospital after a suicide attempt. Yes, I attempted and nearly succeeded again just 5 months later. More hospital stays and medical debt. Yes, I had to separate myself from my family of origin. Yes, my self destructive behaviors have destroyed close friendships, and the trust I had built with others. And yes, I now have a tumor in my throat cutting off my airway that I desperately need to have removed but can't possibly afford. But in all this and through all this, I have been immeasurably blessed by the goodness of The Lord.

Where there was deep despair and depression, I now have a new hope in Jesus. Where there has been loneliness and isolation I have found community with friends and church family who have loved me with an enduring, unconditional love. Where I have only ever known oppression and defeat, I have seen victory over sin and darkness. Where anxiety threatens to tear me apart, I have a peace that surpasses understanding. When things seem hopeless or impossible, I find myself filled with inexplicable joy. When I was hungry, I was granted bread. When I was homeless, I was given shelter. If I lacked for anything, I had only to cry out to God and my needs were met and exceeded. When I felt useless, I was granted a purpose in the building of the Kingdom of God. At every insurmountable roadblock I have encountered, my God has been faithful to deliver me and sustain me through it all. Where I did not know and trust The Lord, I am now intimately familiar with His ways, and trusting in His plan for my life with open hands and an open heart.

Yes, I am tremendously blessed by the Lord in this, my 31st year of life. And whether this year of trials ends when I turn 32, or continues another year, another decade, or until God calls me  home to glory, I will continue to sing the praises of the One who delivers, sustains and upholds me with His mighty right hand.

The Lie

 The Lie

They tell me that I'm crazy
That none of this is real
They say my mind betrayed me
They say it always will

There is no hope in my case
My sanity is lost
They should lock me in a safe place
Let the state absorb the cost

Or better yet, just take my life
Just kill myself and end it
Use a gun, a rope, a train, a knife
Don't say goodbye, just do it

The Truth

The truth is I serve a Holy God
And this makes the devil angry
I am ransomed, loved and called
So Satan seeks to destroy me

He wants to call the truth a lie
He taunts me with deceit
He promises torment until I die
Until he dances at my defeat

But I refuse to be decieved
By resisting I grow stronger
I'll meditate on truths that I've received
By the Spirit, I'll endure longer

The truth is stronger than the lie
Christ's light can drown out darkness
Satan may tempt me to give up and die
But my God and I will fight this

Heart's desire

I desire the Lord above all things. To abide in His presence is my ultimate goal. To glory in His light and praise His holy name for all the vastness of eternity is my only aspiration. He is the fullness of everything. To chase after anything else is to labor after emptiness and void. What a fruitless, wasted life! I want my heart to be so bound up with Christ that someone would HAVE to know HIM in order to know me.

In Jesus Christ I have known love and care like I've never experienced nor can I experience in this life. No human attempt can compare. No mortal love will satisfy my heart, which was created for the adoration of a Holy God. For this I was made, and this is my sole pursuit.
God the Father created me in love. Jesus Christ sacrificed himself to save me, in love. The Holy Spirit abides within me, guiding and protecting, revealing and helping, in love! Only such a love is pure. Even my own heart, a love sacrifice for my redeemer, is blemished and tarnished, lacking and completely unworthy. God has loved me with a perfect love. He sent His son to live a perfect life, die a death deserved by me,to bear the full wrath of the Father to set me free! Then conquered death and rose again on the third day. Returned to heaven to reign and rule forever, leaving us with a perfect helper in His own spirit to live inside me. This is how my God has loved me.

My God has loved me in patiently and tenderly calling me back from death over and over again. Each time revealing more of himself to me and withstanding with all understanding my rejection of His perfect love. Until one day, He got through to my stubborn heart the thing he wanted to show me all along. That I have never walked alone, and I never have to walk alone. God's presence is constant in all things, at all times. I need only seek Him and I will find Him. In His mercy, God did not remove from me the tormenting darkness until I realized that I did not need Him to remove it so much as I needed him to walk with me through it. Once I understood this, what freedom! I could have courage in the face of anything. I could not be conquered by darkness in the presence of the Lord, and I was always in the presence of the Lord! This alone would have been enough. I could have endured for all the rest of my days dwelling in darkness knowing that the Lord has never left me or forsaken me, that he stood with me inside it. God showed me his presence in the darkness, and then in a display of power like I've never seen, He reached down with His mighty right hand and removed the darkness and set it apart from me. Then he filled that empty space with such peace and joy as I've never known.

Praise the Lord for His goodness and mercy. He has dealt with me with kindness and all gentleness. He is a loving, attentive Father who desires good things for his children. Praise God with all my heart, with all my life. Praise Him to the end of this life and throughout the next.

Lord please keep these truths central in my mind. May I remember your lessons always. Stay with me in way that I will never forget the things you have shown me. Please keep walking with me. Reveal to me the deep truths of your love. Praise be to your name for all eternity. You alone are worthy to be praised.

Praise the Lord forever!

Praise the Lord in the heavenly places! Praise Him all the earth!
Praise the Lord in the darkness for He has overcome the darkness!
Those spirits speaking lies into my heart are already defeated and damned to hell for eternity!
Hallelujah! Praise His name!
Jesus overcame sin and death and evil and darkness. He has vanquished the enemy to hell forever!
Our Lord Jesus is mighty to save, mighty to deliver, mighty to set the captives free.
I will sing His praises from my heart. I will sing songs of thanks and praise in my work.
I will praise Him with my words and with my works.
I will praise Him with my life.
Praise the Lord, he has delivered me from the chains of evil. By His name I am freed.
The name of Jesus is great and greatly to be praised forever and ever.
I will sing praises to the Lord with song, with tears, with dancing, with laughter, with love, with obedience.
I will worship the Lord forever.
My King, my rock, my deliverer, Jesus Christ, champion of hope, bringer of life, beacon of light in the darkness, Praise to you my King!
May my lips never cease to praise you. May my life be a vibrant testimony of your grace and mercy, your love and kindness, your vastness and sovereignty, your might and power over darkness.
Oh praise the Lord of my salvation! You have saved my soul from hell and delivered my life from the hands of my tormentors.
Praise be to your name, Jesus!
May my eyes never stray from your glory. May my feet never slip from your path.
May I walk in your will in glad submission all the days of my life.
Amen!

A psalm in the night.

When the sun goes down on the day, it also goes down on my soul
As the light slips from the sky it disappears from my eyes and my heart grows dark
My mind is a battlefield at night and the casualties are many
The smoke and the chaos, confusion and fear, uncertainty and anguish
oppress my spirit, depress my soul  and make my heart despondent.

As it is written, My God is with me, whom shall I fear?
My God is for me, of whom shall I be afraid?
I will take courage and wait for the delivering right hand of the Lord.
I will be strong and let my heart take courage.

The enemy seeks to destroy me as I lie in my bed
As I lie down to rest his torment takes hold,
his lies swirl around me like a flock of deranged birds
Swooping and diving and screaming and clawing
until one finds refuge in some unprotected corner of my mind
Confusion sprouts up, doubt takes root and sleep evades me once again.

I cry out to the Lord in my anguish
I cry out in fear
I throw myself on the mercy of a loving God
I seek protection in the shadow of His wings
I look to His promises for asylum from the darkness threatening to engulf me.
I call upon the Lord in my distress.
Only He can rescue me from the consuming flames of evil.

The Lord, my God, is my fortress, my refuge, my stronghold against the devices of the enemy
He will protect. He will defend. He will lift up and establish me.
I will praise my God from the darkness.
I will lift up His holy name in song in the night.
I will speak of his greatness forever.
I will trust in the Lord with all my heart because the Lord my God is trustworthy.
His goodness endures forever. Great is His Faithfulness.