I frustrate people

I frustrate people. I don't intend to, but the inevitable outcome of anyone attempting to console me is frustration. I often hear things like, "I don't feel like I'm very helpful" or "I just don't know how to help you" or "I want to take this away from you but I can't" And I feel bad. Suddenly, I'm consoling them and adding guilt to my list of woes.

I am tragically complex in my pain and people love me and want desperately to help me but don't know how to weave through every facet and caveat of my persistent misery. They feel helpless and I feel guilty and nobody every walks away from these conversations feeling encouraged.

But I realized something tonight. This same, frustrating, discouraging experience, time and again, has birth in me a level of patience and compassion for the helpers and the helpless that I would never have known had my wounds been easily soothed with simple consolation. Secondly, it has driven me time after time, night after night, to the total sufficiency of Christ Jesus, the God of all comfort, for the only lasting solace I have ever found.

The reason for this is both simple and profound. Jesus is the answer, no matter what the question is. In Jesus and only in Jesus can I find the fullness of everything I could ever need or desire. When I feel hopeless, I find hope in Christ Jesus. When I feel worthless, I find worth in Christ Jesus. When I am in despair, I find joy in Christ Jesus. When I am overcome with anxiety and fear, I find peace in Christ Jesus. When I am in anguish and deep turmoil, I find comfort in Christ Jesus. When I am trapped, I find freedom in Christ Jesus. When I am deceived, I find truth in Christ Jesus. When I am threatened, I find shelter in Christ Jesus. When I am tired, I find rest in Christ Jesus. When I am weak, I find strength in Christ Jesus. When I am empty, I find fulfillment in Christ Jesus. When I am at my lowest, I am sustained by Christ Jesus.When I fail, I find victory in Christ Jesus.

So, dear helper, do not by dismayed by this elaborate mess of a human being in front of you. Take heart, and point me back to Christ. He will do the rest.

Safely in the fold

I love how the Lord moves in my heart. I sat down to journal about my fears of falling back into the grasp of my struggles. I have not felt victorious in several weeks. I look at the path I am on and fear that I am failing. Lies and temptations and darkness have assaulted me at every turn, but I have no reason to fear. I am standing in the Light. The Light shines in the darkness, and the darkness shall not overcome it.

How have I sustained this thing, when did it grow so large?
The claws hooked deep into my flesh make me wonder whose in charge?
I have one eye on The King, the other on the creature.
I strain my ears and try to hear which is the louder preacher.
The creature screaming doubt and fear, condemning every failure.
While love, peace, joy and hope flow from my blessed Savior.
I'm clinging tightly to my Rock, seeking refuge on solid ground
While darkness whips my world around
sideways, backwards and upside down
I desperately seek my Shepherds voice. I can't hold on much longer.
Gently He whispers, "I've made my choice, your Savior's arms are stronger
The enemy cannot tear you away while I am resolved to hold
So rest my lamb and know I have you tucked safely in the fold. "

Resting on the promises of God!

Rejoicing in His presence.

Nevertheless, I am continually with you;
    you hold my right hand.
You guide me with your counsel,
    and afterward you will receive me to glory.
Whom have I in heaven but you?
    And there is nothing on earth that I desire besides you.

My flesh and my heart may fail,

 but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever. 

For behold, those who are far from you shall perish;
    you put an end to everyone who is unfaithful to you.

But for me it is good to be near God;
    I have made the Lord God my refuge,
    that I may tell of all your works.

Psalm 73:23-28

I am so thankful that by God's grace and mercy, he has remade my heart to sing these words and know that they are truth. I am continually with you! Think of it! Never alone, never abandoned, always in the presence of an almighty God. His presence is the prize. His presence is the goal. God has the power to remove me from my circumstances, or walk with me through them. I once preferred and prayed that he remove them and spare me the hardship. In the past few months however, God has shown me how to delight in His presence while walking with him through the hardships.

 I am reminded of a time when, as a very young child, my father took me and my older brother to a haunted house. As we stood in line I could hear the screaming and loud noises and scary music coming from inside and I grew increasingly terrified, dragging my feet and resisting entering this building. My father and brother each held a hand and dragged me forward, laughing at my fear. Upon reaching the door, a woman steps up and takes my hand. She told me, "I will hold your hand and walk with you through this. I will tell you what is happening and keep you safe." So she walked with me through the building warning me of a loud sound here or a person jumping at me there and shielding my eyes from things she deemed to gruesome for such a young child to see. Throughout the entire ordeal, she held my hand and reassured me that I was safe. I have no reason to remember this event to this day, except that it is a beautiful picture of God's love and care for His children; encouraging, advising and shielding. He is my protection when I am under attack, and my strength and courage when I am weak and fearful. There is truly nothing on this earth I desire besides the presence of God amidst the various trials of this life.

 I could live a life completely free from stress and pain and turmoil, and not have the presence of God amidst my peace, and it would be an utterly empty and joyless existence. There is no real peace, there cannot be true joy without the presence of God. Those things are not predicated on my circumstances, they are free gifts of the Lord, very often lavished on me in times of deep despair and heavy trials. I would rather teeter on the very edge of destruction all the rest of my days, knowing my God is with me and will never forsake me, than to walk through the rest of my life in complete ease and not know the Lord. How blessed am I that He has seen fit to reveal this truth to me. I can rejoice in suffering because Christ has redeemed it for His glory and my good. What mercy!

I had a coworker say of me the other day, "Rachael loves Jesus, but she still struggles so much? What's the advantage" I wish I had been present to answer that question. The advantage is hope! Without God, all my labor, all my striving, any successes and every failure will be for nothing. Life without the promises of salvation and hope in Christ is completely futile! In Christ, I have hope amidst my circumstances. I know that my flesh and my heart will fail. They fail every single day on some level, but I have the security of the promise of the Cross. I have eternity secured, my salvation sealed, my demons conquered. In the end, God wins. In fact, he has already won. 

Therefore, God is the strength of my heart. Of my own power, I am weak and frail. I cannot hold up under the weight of my reality or the darkness of this world. But God, being rich in mercy,  because of the great love with which he loves me, even when I was dead in my sin, made me alive together with Christ. By Grace, I have been saved, and this is the strength of my heart, and this is my hope. God is my refuge and my portion. My portion. All of and exactly what I need. No excesses, no fluff to get lost in. Just enough, perfectly enough. Not lacking in any way. My portion so that I never want for anything. In him I have everything necessary to battle well in this life. Praise God for this truth! Praise Him for his perfect provision, for the hope of my salvation, for the gift of His presence, for His joy, His peace, His protection and His strength.

Originally Posted 1/2012 "Praising HIm for the Intervention"

Two weeks ago at Elder Prayer, I specifically prayed for opportunities to share the Gospel and my testimony. God has been faithful to provide these opportunities since. Earlier this week, I got to tell my old college roommate about Jesus. It was a tense conversation. When we lived together, I was a much different person. Since we graduated, I had become a true follower of Jesus Christ, and she started practicing Budhism, Santaria, and attends a Unitarian church. We had a good discussion about who God really was, and what Jesus’ life and death really means for us. She didn’t receive it well.

I found out today she went to another mutual friend of ours from school and told her I was “scary crazy” and had joined some kind of “damn cult”, her words not mine. This friend called me, concerned. She was a Social worker by training, like myself, so wanted to set up an intervention for me. All this Jesus talk, I had CLEARLY lost my mind.

I just have to laugh at this. When we all lived together, I was drinking heavily, I was mutilating my own body daily, I was dating abusive men, I was depressed, suicidal, self destructive, on a fast track to an early death, but neither of these “friends” thought it was necessary to “stage an intervention” at that point.

But now? Now that Jesus Christ intervened FOR me, now that he RESCUED me, now that my life has meaning and purpose. Now that I have hope, peace and joy, NOW – I need an “intervention”. I honestly can’t stop giggling about the irony in this. And I’m overjoyed by this evidence of God’s grace and mercy. He has changed my heart and my life so RADICALLY that I am no longer palatable to society. My former close friends no longer recognize me. My heart is filled with praises for his goodness.

So my prayer now is this, that my friends would one day also know this level of peace and joy. If God can work a miracle in my heart, there is NOTHING beyond his redemptive power. So I will keep declaring the truth, and proclaiming the gospel, and praying for the Holy Spirit to do a great work in the hearts of those that listen long enough to hear me before they declare me insane.

Originally Posted 4/2012 "Living for Him"

I used to think God was punishing me in life by putting me into situations and places where most people in these same circumstances would feel justified in their unhappiness. In reading in Galatians, and in Tullian Tchividjian’s book, "Jesus + Nothing = Everything, I’ve come to realize that this is really God’s mercy.

Its God’s mercy that I don’t live for the things of this world. There is no relationship, no person, no position, no wealth or power that is holding me here. I can freely and truly say that I am living only for the glory of God, and I can only say that because I do have nothing else.

God knows me. he knows my heart will quickly make an idol of anything that brings me happiness in this moment, or in this life. God knows that I am lazy and a quitter. If I see something that I perceive will make me happy, safe and content NOW, that’s what I will go for. My wicked heart with betray the Lord every time. Indeed, it always has.

But in His mercy, God has stripped all of that away, so that I can lean on NOTHING outside of HIM! Praise God! He could have let me go to pursue the empty joys of this life and chase the wind to the end of my days only to end up alone and in darkness apart from him.

But God said no. He would not give me over to the short sighted and ignorant desires of my heart. He has something better for me. He’s saving me for it. Slowly he is replacing a desire to be with Him because it means a release from this world of unhappy circumstances with a desire to serve him here and now, to further his kingdom on earth, to walk in obedience in love so that I can know the joy of the fullness of Him, now and forever.

Do I lose sight of this promise? Every 3 minutes. Literally. You can cook an egg to my fickle-heart. I take my eyes off of Jesus and I get lost. Jesus! Jesus! Bill Collector! then Jesus! Jesus! Illness! Jesus! Jesus! Depression. Jesus! Jesus! Broken Appliances. Jesus! Jesus! Loneliness! I’m like a gold fish with my ability to remember Gospel peace, grace and promise. But there is still more Grace! He brings me back to him with gentle compassion and understanding, every 3 minutes. He is gentle and loving, even in his discipline. His loving kindness is evidence in him revealing all of this to me.

What mercy! Sometimes I despair of life and want to be with Him. Sometimes I despair in life, but find joy in the closeness this brings me to Him. Today, I am just thankful.

Year of Blessings

Someone I was talking to earlier this week made the remark that "31 has been a bad year for you, hasn't it"
I suppose the answer is, in some ways, yes, but overall, no.

Yes, I spent my 31st birthday in a mental hospital after a suicide attempt. Yes, I attempted and nearly succeeded again just 5 months later. More hospital stays and medical debt. Yes, I had to separate myself from my family of origin. Yes, my self destructive behaviors have destroyed close friendships, and the trust I had built with others. And yes, I now have a tumor in my throat cutting off my airway that I desperately need to have removed but can't possibly afford. But in all this and through all this, I have been immeasurably blessed by the goodness of The Lord.

Where there was deep despair and depression, I now have a new hope in Jesus. Where there has been loneliness and isolation I have found community with friends and church family who have loved me with an enduring, unconditional love. Where I have only ever known oppression and defeat, I have seen victory over sin and darkness. Where anxiety threatens to tear me apart, I have a peace that surpasses understanding. When things seem hopeless or impossible, I find myself filled with inexplicable joy. When I was hungry, I was granted bread. When I was homeless, I was given shelter. If I lacked for anything, I had only to cry out to God and my needs were met and exceeded. When I felt useless, I was granted a purpose in the building of the Kingdom of God. At every insurmountable roadblock I have encountered, my God has been faithful to deliver me and sustain me through it all. Where I did not know and trust The Lord, I am now intimately familiar with His ways, and trusting in His plan for my life with open hands and an open heart.

Yes, I am tremendously blessed by the Lord in this, my 31st year of life. And whether this year of trials ends when I turn 32, or continues another year, another decade, or until God calls me  home to glory, I will continue to sing the praises of the One who delivers, sustains and upholds me with His mighty right hand.

The Lie

 The Lie

They tell me that I'm crazy
That none of this is real
They say my mind betrayed me
They say it always will

There is no hope in my case
My sanity is lost
They should lock me in a safe place
Let the state absorb the cost

Or better yet, just take my life
Just kill myself and end it
Use a gun, a rope, a train, a knife
Don't say goodbye, just do it

The Truth

The truth is I serve a Holy God
And this makes the devil angry
I am ransomed, loved and called
So Satan seeks to destroy me

He wants to call the truth a lie
He taunts me with deceit
He promises torment until I die
Until he dances at my defeat

But I refuse to be decieved
By resisting I grow stronger
I'll meditate on truths that I've received
By the Spirit, I'll endure longer

The truth is stronger than the lie
Christ's light can drown out darkness
Satan may tempt me to give up and die
But my God and I will fight this