My Greater calling? Or the easy way out?

Two things I'm struggling with right now (okay, more than two, but these are the two I want to talk about).

First Idolatry. Until 2 weeks ago, I didn't think I had a problem with idolatry. I could certainly pinpoint times in my past where I had idols, men mostly, but I thought this was a thing of the past. I thought idols were something God had purged from my life for me, because I couldn't do it myself. But Sunday two weeks ago, my pastor mentioned "comfort" in a list of things we might hold as idols in our lives. Immediately I was convicted. I absolutely idolize my comfort. It had never occurred to me that I could idolize something so intangible. When I think about it, my comfort drives just about everything I do. All of my anxiety stems from threats to my comfort. My "reasons" for not living missionally all boil down to a temporary loss of comfort. Pray with my that the Lord would purge this idol from my life. This ties in later, I promise.

The second thing that has been on my heart recently is this idea of spiritual gifts. I truly, honestly believed that I didn't have any. But my Sponsor mentioned a few weeks back that I might have more clarity as to the Lords path for my life if I understood the ways in which the Lord has gifted me. Not sure where to begin this, I did the only thing I knew how to do. I googled "What are my spiritual gifts" and found a litany of online tests I could take to determine this. So I took several of these tests and they all came out with the same results. I scored high in three areas, Poverty, Faith and Celibacy.

All three of these areas really click with me. Take Poverty for example. For most of my adult life, I've drifted further and further away from the excesses of wealth that seem to permeate our society. I feel that God has been pruning me in this area for many years, even before I acknowledged him as Lord of my life. Living my life as frugally as possible so that I might be able to give more to the work of the Lord is something I am eager to do. I'm praying and looking forward to the ways the Lord will lead me in this. My one fear, though, is that I will use this as an excuse to deprive myself out of a hatred for myself more than out of a love for the Lord and a desire to obey and glorify Him. I must constantly question my motives. Doing the right thing for the wrong reason is still wrong, as I learned in Mexico.

Faith is a gift I had not considered a "gift"  until now. I am guilty of thinking that it was something of myself, a decision I had made of my own power. I'm only just beginning to realize the depths to which God has allowed me to experience faith in Him. Human beings aren't capable of generating faith. Faith is entirely against human nature. Yet I do feel very strong in my faith. This is something new that's developed in the past few years. I used to say that one could not have faith unless they first questioned. I'm not sure how true that is anymore. Having faith means I don't need to question, I just trust and obey. It is a gift, a gift of certainty. I wish it was a gift I could give others.

Celibacy is an interesting one, and the one I am struggling the hardest with right now. Not because I don't want to live a celibate life, but because I really DO! Being called to a life of celibacy releases me from ever having to deal with the elephant in my life. Sex. Abuse. Healthy Relationships. If I never have to date, marry, have a family, I am free to ignore all of that. Of course I'm absolutely loving the possibility! Now some of this desire I believe is God given. I have never really wanted children, and I don't really know what to do with them. Not having a family isn't any real sacrifice for me. I've always felt that way. Surely that is a mercy from God? As for dating and marriage, I did want that, for a season. Every now and then I think I want that again, but even trying to imagine that level of intimacy with anyone exhausts me. I just don't think I have it in me. So it begs the question; am I being called to celibacy? Or am I choosing celibacy against God's will for my life? Or is God using my life circumstances in his mercy to make this calling easier for me to handle. Am I choosing celibacy so that I can run to and cling to Christ? Or am I choosing celibacy so that I can run from and hide from man and the world? This is the million dollar question.

So these are the things I'm praying about, and searching the scriptures for answers. If you know of any scripture references that might be helpful, please share!

A post on this later, but if anyone has any resources on fasting I would really appreciate. Struggling with this.

My testimony

Last weekend, I was baptized by immersion in faith in Jesus Christ at the Village Church. As part of my baptism, I was able to give my testimony. This is roughly what I said, though I did go off-script a bit.

Testimony for Baptism 

3/20/2011

I was born into a Christian home and grew up in the church, this church actually. My parents were founding members of First Baptist Church Highland Village.  In those days, my belief in God was based on a fear of going to hell, and any level of obedience to the Lord, including my baptism at age 7, was done out of fear and not love or a right relationship with the Lord. 

I spent my youth going to church, Sunday school, youth camps, GA’s, VBS, Awanas, and heard all about sin and all the things we are not supposed to do. I thought if I just didn’t do those things, I would be okay. But I would go home, and many of those things were being done to me. I was sexually abused by 2 family members for many years, the same family members that often attended church with me, and that were supposed to protect me.  As most children who are sexually abused do, I blamed myself for what was happening to me. I assumed this was my punishment for not being good enough. I didn’t understand God’s love. I didn’t understand love at all. But I was afraid. If God’s punishment of my sins was this severe on earth, the very idea of hell was terrifying. 

So I must have answered a dozen alter calls, and prayed the sinners prayer a hundred times, for good measure, just to be sure I was safe from hell. But I was far from safe. I was lost and wandering in darkness. 

At an early age I got the idea that if I appeared perfect on the outside, then no one, not even God, would see the guilt, shame and filth on the inside.  So I tried to be perfect. It started out with little things like clearing the dinner table or cleaning my room without being told. Making perfect grades in school because an obsession. I was a doormat for my peers because it was exceedingly important that EVERYBODY like me. Every day I tried my hardest to be a “good person” and every day I fell short.  I hated myself and wanted to die. 

In my late teenage/early college years, I became angry with ‘the church’. The standard I aspired to that was set before me by the church to be worthy of God’s love was impossible to attain. When I sought help, I was met with condemnation. So I gave up trying to earn God’s love by the standards of the church and started trying to earn the love of man by the standards of the world. 

So I set out to be all things to all people. I never said no to anyone. I never disagreed with anyone. I would do anything to please, and I mean anything.  There are people in this world who seem to have radar for people like me. The kind of people I attracted were abusive, controlling and manipulative. I was never good enough for them either. 

I dedicated my life to helping others. I volunteered in my free time and studied social work in school. This culminated in me moving to rural Mexico to work with a non-profit in early 2005. Every day, I gave all of myself in a never ending quest to justify my continued existence on this planet.  Every night I saw nothing but my shortcomings and failures. I hated myself, and that hatred deepened with each passing day. My guilt, shame and despair were heavy weights shackled to my legs growing heavier with every mistake I made. Thoughts of suicide became constant. In late 2007, I was in a dark, dark place. Despairing and hopeless. 

That is where God found me. He put me in a thankless, tiresome job that I hated, but with wonderful co-workers that I loved. In one of these women I observed a great change over the course of several months. In a place filled with misery, she seemed to have new joy. When I asked her about this, she told me about a singles ministry at a church in Dallas and about her small group. I promptly invited myself to this bible study. 

God used the women in this small group to change my life in radical ways. These women loved the Lord and sought him in earnest. They prayed with sincerity and looked to the bible for answers to life’s questions.  At first, I found this very intimidating, but God persisted in bringing me back to the group, week after week. For 2 years I walked with these women and got to know the nature and character of God for the first time. During this time, God was transforming my heart and my life in mighty ways. This process was at once incredibly beautiful, and deeply painful. 

One Saturday, I checked out a service at The Village church with the encouragement of one of my small group leaders. Matt preached about the idea of “goodness” and how we might measure up as compared to a neighbor or family member, but never next to the perfect life and goodness of Christ.  I found this oddly comforting.  I am not a good person. There is no such thing. God KNOWS this. That is why he sent his son to die on the cross to absorb the wrath meant for me. Chandler also said that God’s love was for me now, as I am, and not some future version of me. This idea that God loves ME, the broken, sinful, shame filled me right now is amazing and incredible.  

The God of the universe does not NEED anything from me. Also, there is nothing that can be hidden from him. He already knows the darkest parts of my heart and he STILL loves me! It just blows my mind that love like that is possible and freely given to us. 

God led me to put down roots in my own community, so I joined the Village church and the Lord has been faithful to put amazing, Christ centered people in my life. Biblical community is an amazingly powerful thing.  

Last fall, I once again found myself in a dark place, and I had gathered the means necessary to end my life. Late one night, I sent an email from the Village Church website. I had no idea who I was even emailing or if I would get a reply, but I poured out my despair to whoever, and waited for a reply.  Someone did answer that email, and walked with me out of that dark place. I joined Recovery, then Step studies, and I walk a little further away from that life every day. 

I am not fixed now, nor will I probably ever be. God did not take away my past, the abuse, the shame, the guilt. It’s all still there, but Christ has worked in my heart to change my response to those things. He is molding me in his image bit by bit, day by day. 

I can’t stand here today and tell you about a magical moment in which I was saved. I can’t tell you the day or the hour that it happened. It’s been a journey, a long process that continues. But I can stand here today, assured of my salvation. I am pursuing baptism today out of loving obedience to Jesus Christ. No more alter calls or fear of hell, just an ever deepening relationship with a sovereign Lord, who loves me for me. He died that I might live, that is what makes life worth living. 

My Prayer on my baptism night, was that the Lord would speak through me, in a story not about me, but about the power, grace and mercy of God! I can safely say, the the Lord answered that prayer in a powerful way. A week later, I still get stopped by perfect strangers who heard my testimony and were moved.  I could never have touched anyone that way. Only the Holy Spirit speaking through me could move in such a powerful way. 

Good with God

There's a new ad campaign in Dallas at the moment. Adorning several downtown buses is a large billboard that states "Millions of Americans are Good without God"

My first response to hearing this was sadness. Oh how well I remember the days I thought I was "good without God." I thought I had it all under control. No sweat, I could handle anything. I didn't need God. He was just a concept, not a reality that influenced any part of my life. I was good!

Except I wasn't....not even close. I was miserable and lost and wretched and broken and completely devoid of hope. I just didn't know it.

I can't even begin to describe the change in my soul, in my core being, over the past two/three years. Ever since God called me out on that lie that I was "good" without him. Every day I fall more and more in love with Christ. My whole worldview has shifted. When I think of where I was headed and what my life amounted to before Christ saved me, I rejoice. Christ is not a restriction placed on your life. He is not a set of rules to follow, or pleasures denied your flesh, he IS freedom! He IS pleasure! There can be none without HIM!

I truly understand what is meant now when Christians say that Christ must change your heart, from stone to flesh. Its a very real transformation, for the better. For the first time in my life, I'm ok. Really ok. Nothing has changed about my past, my situation, my future, or my circumstances, but because I have the hope of Christ, everything is different. I just want the whole world to feel this way, to experience God this way.

So when I see signs like these on city buses and billboards, I am not outraged. I'm inspired! How lost is this world. Millions of Americans without God! What a great work the Holy Spirit has to do through me and my fellow Christians. How do I get started?

Changing my heart

I'm praising the Lord today for his work in my heart. He's changing me, slowly but surely.

This morning I woke up early and went to a Waffle House diner for breakfast. Sitting there in the cold dark morning I found myself pondering what it must have been like to be Paul, or any of the apostles. How amazing and miraculous to have witnessed the cross and the resurrection! And the courage it took for them to spread the news as far as they could, knowing it would lead to suffering for them. Having seen something so amazing as the life of Christ, how could they not share what they knew with others?

How is it any different for me? God has been so faithful in my life. Silent gratitude doesn't do much good for anyone. I saw that on a sign and I'm pretty sure they weren't talking about God, but it still applies. I don't know why I'm so hung up on not sharing my faith. How can I keep this to myself? I'm too worried about what others will think of me and what this life will hold for me if I break from social norms, when really, it doesn't matter! This life is but a blink in time!


Lord give me the words.

This is where the healing begins.

So you thought you had to keep this up

All the work that you do

so we think that you're good

And you can't believe it's not enough

All the walls you built up 

are just glass on the outside

So let 'em fall down

There's freedom waiting in the sound

When you let your walls fall to the ground

We're here now

This is where the healing begins

This is where the healing starts

When you come to where you're broken within

The light meets the dark

The light meets the dark

Afraid to let your secrets out

Everything that you hide

can come crashing through the door now

But too scared to face all your fear

So you hide, but you find

that the shame won't dissapear

So let it fall down

There's freedom waiting in the sound

When you  let your walls fall to the ground

We're here now

This is where the healing begins

This is where the healing starts

When you come to where you're broken within

The light meets the dark

The light meets the dark

Sparks will fly as grace collides

With the dark inside of us

So please don't fight 

this coming light

Let his blood come over us

His blood can cover us

This is where the healing begins

This is where the healing starts

When you come to where you're broken within

The light meets the dark

The light meets the dark

-Tenth Avenue North

Heard this song on the radio tonight coming home from work. I've probably heard it a dozen times before, but this is the first time the Lord opened my ears to HEAR the words. "So you thought you had to keep this up, all the WORK that you do so WE THINK that YOU are GOOD!" Story of my life!!! 

Story of my life. I have always, always, just felt inately and inherently BAD! Until recently, I didn't understand that I feel that way because I AM! Because, we ALL are, and that the grace of God covers me, the blood of Christ covers me, making me blameless before the Lord. I've gone to church my whole life and this is a new concept for me. Tell me how this happens? I don't even know. But I'm just SO grateful that the Lord has opened my eyes to this truth. 

Up until now I've just lived a lie. I can actually remember the day I made that conscious decision to BE good, perfect, blameless, at all costs. It was a simple thing. I thought if I was GOOD, it would stop. That my Dad would stop hurting me, and start loving me. That my Mom would stop ignoring me, and start loving me. If only I was GOOD enough. So it started with the dishes. After dinner, I cleared the table, washed and loaded the dishwasher without being asked. I think I was 6 or so years old, maybe 7. My mom was shocked, she even said something like, "are you sick? Whats wrong with you?" and my Dad yelled at me for not loading the dishwasher properly. But it was a response. So I kept it up. 

Everything had to be perfect. Perfect grades, perfect behavior, I always had to say and do the right things. This included being a Christian. I was  Christian by word and deed for 26 years, but my heart was cold and dead to God until 2-3 years ago (when mercifully God spoke and I heard for the first time) As I got older, my "goodness" had to get bigger to cover the darkness within me. By college, I honestly felt if I wasn't personally saving the world, then I was nothing and might as well not exist. I literally believed this. This lie led me to move to Mexico and give my life to the people there. There wasn't anything wrong with what I was doing, and I genuinely LOVED those people, those kids, and that country. But my heart was in the wrong place. I was doing this to bring glory to myself through the form of others thinking I was a "good" person. I also did it to earn the love of a man.

If I had it to do over again, I would. But it would be about bringing Glory to God, and it would be because God loved me, not to earn God's love. Oh how things might have been different. But there is no point in looking back and saying "if only". I have the rest of my life ahead of me, be it a day, a week, a month, or many years. "We;re here now" and God can use me. I'm pleading with God to use me to his Glory. I know that he will...in his time.

That's the frustrating part. I've chased this idea of earning my goodness to the point of being in Graduate school getting a masters degree in Social Work. I'm having almost a crisis of self in that for the past ten-twelve years at least, I've been actively working towards being this big humanitarian, out to save the world. Now I know that I can't save the world, only God can. Ironically, in my quest to be this humble, giving, selfless person, working tirelessly for others, I became horribly self absorbed and self important. As if I could make any difference. Really? What was I thinking. 

So it begs the question. What am I doing with my life? Should I be pursuing this degree? I have an undergrad degree in Social Work, and outside of the Mexico program, I have never worked in the field. Not that I haven't tried. I've never been able to find a job. More than that, I've never really been able to see myself as a social worker in practice. I'm a very visual person. Usually if I'm able to visualize myself doing something, I can do it. At no point in my pursuit of being the "good" social worker have I ever been able to see myself in that role. I try, but just get a blank. Now, whether that means anything or not I don't know. 

What does God have for me to do in this life? I don't know. And its KILLING me. The lie that if I'm not saving the world I'm nothing is deeply entrenched in my heart. Without this goal of becoming a social worker and saving the world, I feel worthless, hopeless, lost, broken, empty. This is how I approach Christ. Broken. 

My go-to way of dealing with these empty lost feelings is suicide. Somehow, having a plan all worked out, and a back up plan to that plan, and making sure everything is arranged that I can "check out" at any time is hugely comforting to me. I need to take comfort in the Lord, and not in death. I'm praying that the Lord would help me find that place of comfort and healing. 

Time to be honest.

I've kept many blogs online over the years. Usually they were self righteous rantings of a lost and wandering soul, or broken and thinly veiled cries for help. I fully and heartily believed everything I posted in each of those blog entries. I've spent the last 29 years carefully orchestrating my life as it would appear to others. Who I was, is who I wanted you to see. I was never real. I hid, and lied, and built my walls higher, until I no longer knew who I was, only who I wanted everyone to think I was.

I've spent my life trying to create my own value and worth by doing good deeds. I honestly believed if I said the right things, made the right sacrifices, gave the right way, others would see me as a good person (therefore, I would BE a good person), and my life would be worthwhile. I clung to this idea tightly, especially in the past ten years. I knew that without that distinction of "good person" and "my" ability to help others and make the world a better place, I was nothing, and life was not worth living.

So this was my constant battle. I had to be perfect, sacrifice everything for the cause of the moment, chasing this idea of "goodness" to one dead end after another. And once I hit that dead end, the only way out was death. And thus, I was once again suicidal. And I would remain thusly despondent and hopeless until someone, or something came along and re-kindled my passion for creating glory in my life for myself (in the guise of doing good in the world), and leading me on yet another wild adventure, destined to failure.
About 2 years ago, I hit another dead end. After five years of vain attempts to solve global poverty and win the love of a man who wasn't capable of it (and I didn't need in the first place) I found myself in the darkest place on earth, inside my own heart.

That is where God found me, and called me on this journey.

He led me to a group of Godly women, living intentionally, and in community, for the glory of the Lord. God showed mercy on me, an unrepentant sinner. In the last two years, God has revealed himself to me, in a careful process, unveiling himself to me in layers, like peeling an onion. At the same time, he began to reveal to me my own heart of wickedness, and the impossibility of this idea of "goodness"

In short, I finally understood that all I really needed was Jesus.  God knows that I am a wicked sinner, with a black heart and any attempt to clean myself up is futile. He knows.....and he loves me anyway. So much so, that he sent his son to die a horrendous death thousands of years ago (before I was ever thought of, God knew I would need him) to pay the full price of all the sin in my heart. Sin was my birthright, as a human being. Its inescapable. Without the cross, I was doomed to eternal death. Even in life on this earth, I would be dead in my sins, with no hope.

But Jesus IS my hope. Christ has been pursuing my heart these past few years...maybe even my whole life. He could just as easily let me fall, let me die, and let me burn. For all the wickedness within me, that is surely what I deserve. But HE has given me this great gift of life.

Its a process, and a painful one often times. I have 29 years of lies to unravel. And so many lessons to learn. I was raised in the church but I am in infant in Christ. I just want to write honestly about God's pursuit of my heart. This is entirely for my own benefit. Its just a sounding board, to help me sort things out and explore them, honestly. Thats the only rule. I will be honest. It won't be pretty. But its time to be real.