Repeat: Pure Joy

I first posted this on Facebook on January 9, 2010. Ran across it tonight and was once again infused with joy. We all need a reminder from time to time.
I really hesitate to tell people why I'm so happy, though I probably shouldn't. Its just that, I know many of my friends have different beliefs and I respect them and I don't want anyone to think I'm trying to convert anyone or anything like that. This isn't the Crusades. But if my joy finds itself infectious, then I won't complain. Because its all about changing lives for the better. Mine has certainly gone that direction. Some may say, pull yourself together girl you sound like a crazy person. But if this is crazy, then cheers to my maddness, long may it flourish!

So, here goes.

I went to church tonight, I've been going more lately. I found a new church called the Village with a terrific pastor who is an amazing speaker. Prior to finding the village, I started going to a bible study in Dallas. I know, random, but I think it was all meant to go down this way. When I was younger, I was religious. I said the right things, but I only believed in God because I was afraid to go to Hell frankly. One of the things I learned tonight was that God wants us to believe in Love, not in Fear. I didn't understand any of this back then. So of course, I became disillusioned with church and God and took a break from it, during which time, my life went to pot. I was desperately unhappy, seeking salvation from one wrong man after another, not wanting to live didn't see the point in it really, just miserable. But then, after I pretty much hit rock bottom, I started going to this bible study and now this church and for the first time in my life, I feel like people are being honest with me, that I'm hearing the truth and I feel like I understand now, all the suffering and pain I've been through and that the world has been through.

So why am I happy? Because God loves me despite everything. All those mistakes I've been beating myself up for all these years, God has forgiven me all of them and the ones I haven't even made yet. Its okay for me to be human and make mistakes. Doesn't mean I don't have to make it right when I can, just means I don't have to hate myself. But tonight, I don't know, I guess I just really FELT loved, really loved, for the first time. And I feel IN love. Jesus died for me, is there no greater love. He takes care of me, He listens to me, even at four in the morning, he understands me, and I LOVE him. I finally feel like it doesn't matter that I'm fat and single and poor. I know a love greater than all others, can I really ask for more? Not in this life. And to know that I will never know a night that does not end in dawn, because God has given me eternal life, and not THIS life, not the painful, tedious, laborious life we lead now, but a perfect heavenly life, full of love and beauty and no pain, no more sorrow, no more tears. Its just overwhelming.

And that is why I am happy. Praise be to Lord Jesus, the author of my Joy!!

What I've been missing.

Today was a spiritual battle royal. Evil was doing everything in its power to keep me from hearing the Lords word preached today, they pulled out all the punches, but the Lord prevailed.

I used to think it was the person doing the speaking that was so brilliantly able to reach my soul. Now I know it is the Holy Ghost himself speaking through his vessels, us, to reach his beloved, also us. He can and does use anyone, even non-believers sometimes, to stir our hearts, encourage our spirit, or rebuke our sinfulness.

The thing that really hit home today that was missing from my church experience growing up is this simple fact. Christians suffer too. Believing in the Lord Jesus Christ does not somehow absolve us from the effects of living in a sinful world, i.e suffering. In fact, just the opposite. God practically guarantees we will suffer, and sometimes suffer greatly during out time on earth. But God in his infinite goodness and grace, sent his son to suffer for us, so that our suffering might be limited to this time on earth. What the gospel also guarantees is an eternity of peace in heaven together with God, where this life won't even be remembered, where there will be no crying, no pain, nothing but full, unfathomable joy.

I never heard this growing up. Not saying it wasn't necessarily preached at some point, but I never heard it, grapsed it, understood it. The idea that I got from church in my youth is that Christians didn't suffer, struggle, or falter, unless they were doing something wrong. Any pain in life was a result of sin and a lack of right standing with God. It was to be dealt with alone in prayer, and once you had cleaned yourself up and fixed it with the Lord, you could come back and worship with the body in church. It was what I now know to be the lie of the prosperity gospel.  The idea that God loves you and wants you to be happy 'in this life'.  God does love us, so much that he sent his son to die a painful death on a cross to secure our eternal joy! But he saved us for a purpose, to be a light in the darkness of a sinful world. Something he guarantees will not be easy or readily accepted. But the reward of that work is immeasurably glorious....your soul together in heaven with Christ for an eternity, along with the souls of the lives you touched here on earth, as you suffered well for the cause of furthering the Kingdom of the Lord.

So suffer. Struggle! Be open about it! Don't hide it in the dark and pretend. What matters is not that you struggle, but how you struggle. How you handle suffering can be a beacon of  hope to others who are also suffering, but without the benefit of a savior. You aren't doing anyone any favors by pretending you are Christian and therefore have no problems! You are a Christian and you have problems and Praise GOD for providing us with the ultimate solution to every worldly problem or pain.

So I will go first. I'm struggling. I struggle every day. I have to come before the Lord on my knees daily, several times a day to confess my sin, my fears, my hurts, and ask his forgiveness, comfort and healing...which he always, always provides abundantly. I'm not perfect and never will be as long as I'm living in this body, in this world. Sometimes that makes me want to leave this world. I want to hasten my return to Christs arms in a tangible way. I struggle with this in many ways. I think I've got it under control and it crops back up someplace else, disguised as something else. Pray for me, that I would find joy in this life in living my life for Christ every day. He has called me to something greater, he has a purpose for my life here, and it is not for me to decide when it ends.  Pray that my faith would be stronger than the evil that surrounds me a provokes me to self destruction. Fellow believers, hold me accountable. Don't let me hide in plain sight. And Lord, I pray that I might be an encouragement to others who also struggle, that I would struggle well, in full view of my biblical community and in the light of the cross.

My Greater calling? Or the easy way out?

Two things I'm struggling with right now (okay, more than two, but these are the two I want to talk about).

First Idolatry. Until 2 weeks ago, I didn't think I had a problem with idolatry. I could certainly pinpoint times in my past where I had idols, men mostly, but I thought this was a thing of the past. I thought idols were something God had purged from my life for me, because I couldn't do it myself. But Sunday two weeks ago, my pastor mentioned "comfort" in a list of things we might hold as idols in our lives. Immediately I was convicted. I absolutely idolize my comfort. It had never occurred to me that I could idolize something so intangible. When I think about it, my comfort drives just about everything I do. All of my anxiety stems from threats to my comfort. My "reasons" for not living missionally all boil down to a temporary loss of comfort. Pray with my that the Lord would purge this idol from my life. This ties in later, I promise.

The second thing that has been on my heart recently is this idea of spiritual gifts. I truly, honestly believed that I didn't have any. But my Sponsor mentioned a few weeks back that I might have more clarity as to the Lords path for my life if I understood the ways in which the Lord has gifted me. Not sure where to begin this, I did the only thing I knew how to do. I googled "What are my spiritual gifts" and found a litany of online tests I could take to determine this. So I took several of these tests and they all came out with the same results. I scored high in three areas, Poverty, Faith and Celibacy.

All three of these areas really click with me. Take Poverty for example. For most of my adult life, I've drifted further and further away from the excesses of wealth that seem to permeate our society. I feel that God has been pruning me in this area for many years, even before I acknowledged him as Lord of my life. Living my life as frugally as possible so that I might be able to give more to the work of the Lord is something I am eager to do. I'm praying and looking forward to the ways the Lord will lead me in this. My one fear, though, is that I will use this as an excuse to deprive myself out of a hatred for myself more than out of a love for the Lord and a desire to obey and glorify Him. I must constantly question my motives. Doing the right thing for the wrong reason is still wrong, as I learned in Mexico.

Faith is a gift I had not considered a "gift"  until now. I am guilty of thinking that it was something of myself, a decision I had made of my own power. I'm only just beginning to realize the depths to which God has allowed me to experience faith in Him. Human beings aren't capable of generating faith. Faith is entirely against human nature. Yet I do feel very strong in my faith. This is something new that's developed in the past few years. I used to say that one could not have faith unless they first questioned. I'm not sure how true that is anymore. Having faith means I don't need to question, I just trust and obey. It is a gift, a gift of certainty. I wish it was a gift I could give others.

Celibacy is an interesting one, and the one I am struggling the hardest with right now. Not because I don't want to live a celibate life, but because I really DO! Being called to a life of celibacy releases me from ever having to deal with the elephant in my life. Sex. Abuse. Healthy Relationships. If I never have to date, marry, have a family, I am free to ignore all of that. Of course I'm absolutely loving the possibility! Now some of this desire I believe is God given. I have never really wanted children, and I don't really know what to do with them. Not having a family isn't any real sacrifice for me. I've always felt that way. Surely that is a mercy from God? As for dating and marriage, I did want that, for a season. Every now and then I think I want that again, but even trying to imagine that level of intimacy with anyone exhausts me. I just don't think I have it in me. So it begs the question; am I being called to celibacy? Or am I choosing celibacy against God's will for my life? Or is God using my life circumstances in his mercy to make this calling easier for me to handle. Am I choosing celibacy so that I can run to and cling to Christ? Or am I choosing celibacy so that I can run from and hide from man and the world? This is the million dollar question.

So these are the things I'm praying about, and searching the scriptures for answers. If you know of any scripture references that might be helpful, please share!

A post on this later, but if anyone has any resources on fasting I would really appreciate. Struggling with this.

My testimony

Last weekend, I was baptized by immersion in faith in Jesus Christ at the Village Church. As part of my baptism, I was able to give my testimony. This is roughly what I said, though I did go off-script a bit.

Testimony for Baptism 

3/20/2011

I was born into a Christian home and grew up in the church, this church actually. My parents were founding members of First Baptist Church Highland Village.  In those days, my belief in God was based on a fear of going to hell, and any level of obedience to the Lord, including my baptism at age 7, was done out of fear and not love or a right relationship with the Lord. 

I spent my youth going to church, Sunday school, youth camps, GA’s, VBS, Awanas, and heard all about sin and all the things we are not supposed to do. I thought if I just didn’t do those things, I would be okay. But I would go home, and many of those things were being done to me. I was sexually abused by 2 family members for many years, the same family members that often attended church with me, and that were supposed to protect me.  As most children who are sexually abused do, I blamed myself for what was happening to me. I assumed this was my punishment for not being good enough. I didn’t understand God’s love. I didn’t understand love at all. But I was afraid. If God’s punishment of my sins was this severe on earth, the very idea of hell was terrifying. 

So I must have answered a dozen alter calls, and prayed the sinners prayer a hundred times, for good measure, just to be sure I was safe from hell. But I was far from safe. I was lost and wandering in darkness. 

At an early age I got the idea that if I appeared perfect on the outside, then no one, not even God, would see the guilt, shame and filth on the inside.  So I tried to be perfect. It started out with little things like clearing the dinner table or cleaning my room without being told. Making perfect grades in school because an obsession. I was a doormat for my peers because it was exceedingly important that EVERYBODY like me. Every day I tried my hardest to be a “good person” and every day I fell short.  I hated myself and wanted to die. 

In my late teenage/early college years, I became angry with ‘the church’. The standard I aspired to that was set before me by the church to be worthy of God’s love was impossible to attain. When I sought help, I was met with condemnation. So I gave up trying to earn God’s love by the standards of the church and started trying to earn the love of man by the standards of the world. 

So I set out to be all things to all people. I never said no to anyone. I never disagreed with anyone. I would do anything to please, and I mean anything.  There are people in this world who seem to have radar for people like me. The kind of people I attracted were abusive, controlling and manipulative. I was never good enough for them either. 

I dedicated my life to helping others. I volunteered in my free time and studied social work in school. This culminated in me moving to rural Mexico to work with a non-profit in early 2005. Every day, I gave all of myself in a never ending quest to justify my continued existence on this planet.  Every night I saw nothing but my shortcomings and failures. I hated myself, and that hatred deepened with each passing day. My guilt, shame and despair were heavy weights shackled to my legs growing heavier with every mistake I made. Thoughts of suicide became constant. In late 2007, I was in a dark, dark place. Despairing and hopeless. 

That is where God found me. He put me in a thankless, tiresome job that I hated, but with wonderful co-workers that I loved. In one of these women I observed a great change over the course of several months. In a place filled with misery, she seemed to have new joy. When I asked her about this, she told me about a singles ministry at a church in Dallas and about her small group. I promptly invited myself to this bible study. 

God used the women in this small group to change my life in radical ways. These women loved the Lord and sought him in earnest. They prayed with sincerity and looked to the bible for answers to life’s questions.  At first, I found this very intimidating, but God persisted in bringing me back to the group, week after week. For 2 years I walked with these women and got to know the nature and character of God for the first time. During this time, God was transforming my heart and my life in mighty ways. This process was at once incredibly beautiful, and deeply painful. 

One Saturday, I checked out a service at The Village church with the encouragement of one of my small group leaders. Matt preached about the idea of “goodness” and how we might measure up as compared to a neighbor or family member, but never next to the perfect life and goodness of Christ.  I found this oddly comforting.  I am not a good person. There is no such thing. God KNOWS this. That is why he sent his son to die on the cross to absorb the wrath meant for me. Chandler also said that God’s love was for me now, as I am, and not some future version of me. This idea that God loves ME, the broken, sinful, shame filled me right now is amazing and incredible.  

The God of the universe does not NEED anything from me. Also, there is nothing that can be hidden from him. He already knows the darkest parts of my heart and he STILL loves me! It just blows my mind that love like that is possible and freely given to us. 

God led me to put down roots in my own community, so I joined the Village church and the Lord has been faithful to put amazing, Christ centered people in my life. Biblical community is an amazingly powerful thing.  

Last fall, I once again found myself in a dark place, and I had gathered the means necessary to end my life. Late one night, I sent an email from the Village Church website. I had no idea who I was even emailing or if I would get a reply, but I poured out my despair to whoever, and waited for a reply.  Someone did answer that email, and walked with me out of that dark place. I joined Recovery, then Step studies, and I walk a little further away from that life every day. 

I am not fixed now, nor will I probably ever be. God did not take away my past, the abuse, the shame, the guilt. It’s all still there, but Christ has worked in my heart to change my response to those things. He is molding me in his image bit by bit, day by day. 

I can’t stand here today and tell you about a magical moment in which I was saved. I can’t tell you the day or the hour that it happened. It’s been a journey, a long process that continues. But I can stand here today, assured of my salvation. I am pursuing baptism today out of loving obedience to Jesus Christ. No more alter calls or fear of hell, just an ever deepening relationship with a sovereign Lord, who loves me for me. He died that I might live, that is what makes life worth living. 

My Prayer on my baptism night, was that the Lord would speak through me, in a story not about me, but about the power, grace and mercy of God! I can safely say, the the Lord answered that prayer in a powerful way. A week later, I still get stopped by perfect strangers who heard my testimony and were moved.  I could never have touched anyone that way. Only the Holy Spirit speaking through me could move in such a powerful way. 

Good with God

There's a new ad campaign in Dallas at the moment. Adorning several downtown buses is a large billboard that states "Millions of Americans are Good without God"

My first response to hearing this was sadness. Oh how well I remember the days I thought I was "good without God." I thought I had it all under control. No sweat, I could handle anything. I didn't need God. He was just a concept, not a reality that influenced any part of my life. I was good!

Except I wasn't....not even close. I was miserable and lost and wretched and broken and completely devoid of hope. I just didn't know it.

I can't even begin to describe the change in my soul, in my core being, over the past two/three years. Ever since God called me out on that lie that I was "good" without him. Every day I fall more and more in love with Christ. My whole worldview has shifted. When I think of where I was headed and what my life amounted to before Christ saved me, I rejoice. Christ is not a restriction placed on your life. He is not a set of rules to follow, or pleasures denied your flesh, he IS freedom! He IS pleasure! There can be none without HIM!

I truly understand what is meant now when Christians say that Christ must change your heart, from stone to flesh. Its a very real transformation, for the better. For the first time in my life, I'm ok. Really ok. Nothing has changed about my past, my situation, my future, or my circumstances, but because I have the hope of Christ, everything is different. I just want the whole world to feel this way, to experience God this way.

So when I see signs like these on city buses and billboards, I am not outraged. I'm inspired! How lost is this world. Millions of Americans without God! What a great work the Holy Spirit has to do through me and my fellow Christians. How do I get started?

Changing my heart

I'm praising the Lord today for his work in my heart. He's changing me, slowly but surely.

This morning I woke up early and went to a Waffle House diner for breakfast. Sitting there in the cold dark morning I found myself pondering what it must have been like to be Paul, or any of the apostles. How amazing and miraculous to have witnessed the cross and the resurrection! And the courage it took for them to spread the news as far as they could, knowing it would lead to suffering for them. Having seen something so amazing as the life of Christ, how could they not share what they knew with others?

How is it any different for me? God has been so faithful in my life. Silent gratitude doesn't do much good for anyone. I saw that on a sign and I'm pretty sure they weren't talking about God, but it still applies. I don't know why I'm so hung up on not sharing my faith. How can I keep this to myself? I'm too worried about what others will think of me and what this life will hold for me if I break from social norms, when really, it doesn't matter! This life is but a blink in time!


Lord give me the words.

This is where the healing begins.

So you thought you had to keep this up

All the work that you do

so we think that you're good

And you can't believe it's not enough

All the walls you built up 

are just glass on the outside

So let 'em fall down

There's freedom waiting in the sound

When you let your walls fall to the ground

We're here now

This is where the healing begins

This is where the healing starts

When you come to where you're broken within

The light meets the dark

The light meets the dark

Afraid to let your secrets out

Everything that you hide

can come crashing through the door now

But too scared to face all your fear

So you hide, but you find

that the shame won't dissapear

So let it fall down

There's freedom waiting in the sound

When you  let your walls fall to the ground

We're here now

This is where the healing begins

This is where the healing starts

When you come to where you're broken within

The light meets the dark

The light meets the dark

Sparks will fly as grace collides

With the dark inside of us

So please don't fight 

this coming light

Let his blood come over us

His blood can cover us

This is where the healing begins

This is where the healing starts

When you come to where you're broken within

The light meets the dark

The light meets the dark

-Tenth Avenue North

Heard this song on the radio tonight coming home from work. I've probably heard it a dozen times before, but this is the first time the Lord opened my ears to HEAR the words. "So you thought you had to keep this up, all the WORK that you do so WE THINK that YOU are GOOD!" Story of my life!!! 

Story of my life. I have always, always, just felt inately and inherently BAD! Until recently, I didn't understand that I feel that way because I AM! Because, we ALL are, and that the grace of God covers me, the blood of Christ covers me, making me blameless before the Lord. I've gone to church my whole life and this is a new concept for me. Tell me how this happens? I don't even know. But I'm just SO grateful that the Lord has opened my eyes to this truth. 

Up until now I've just lived a lie. I can actually remember the day I made that conscious decision to BE good, perfect, blameless, at all costs. It was a simple thing. I thought if I was GOOD, it would stop. That my Dad would stop hurting me, and start loving me. That my Mom would stop ignoring me, and start loving me. If only I was GOOD enough. So it started with the dishes. After dinner, I cleared the table, washed and loaded the dishwasher without being asked. I think I was 6 or so years old, maybe 7. My mom was shocked, she even said something like, "are you sick? Whats wrong with you?" and my Dad yelled at me for not loading the dishwasher properly. But it was a response. So I kept it up. 

Everything had to be perfect. Perfect grades, perfect behavior, I always had to say and do the right things. This included being a Christian. I was  Christian by word and deed for 26 years, but my heart was cold and dead to God until 2-3 years ago (when mercifully God spoke and I heard for the first time) As I got older, my "goodness" had to get bigger to cover the darkness within me. By college, I honestly felt if I wasn't personally saving the world, then I was nothing and might as well not exist. I literally believed this. This lie led me to move to Mexico and give my life to the people there. There wasn't anything wrong with what I was doing, and I genuinely LOVED those people, those kids, and that country. But my heart was in the wrong place. I was doing this to bring glory to myself through the form of others thinking I was a "good" person. I also did it to earn the love of a man.

If I had it to do over again, I would. But it would be about bringing Glory to God, and it would be because God loved me, not to earn God's love. Oh how things might have been different. But there is no point in looking back and saying "if only". I have the rest of my life ahead of me, be it a day, a week, a month, or many years. "We;re here now" and God can use me. I'm pleading with God to use me to his Glory. I know that he will...in his time.

That's the frustrating part. I've chased this idea of earning my goodness to the point of being in Graduate school getting a masters degree in Social Work. I'm having almost a crisis of self in that for the past ten-twelve years at least, I've been actively working towards being this big humanitarian, out to save the world. Now I know that I can't save the world, only God can. Ironically, in my quest to be this humble, giving, selfless person, working tirelessly for others, I became horribly self absorbed and self important. As if I could make any difference. Really? What was I thinking. 

So it begs the question. What am I doing with my life? Should I be pursuing this degree? I have an undergrad degree in Social Work, and outside of the Mexico program, I have never worked in the field. Not that I haven't tried. I've never been able to find a job. More than that, I've never really been able to see myself as a social worker in practice. I'm a very visual person. Usually if I'm able to visualize myself doing something, I can do it. At no point in my pursuit of being the "good" social worker have I ever been able to see myself in that role. I try, but just get a blank. Now, whether that means anything or not I don't know. 

What does God have for me to do in this life? I don't know. And its KILLING me. The lie that if I'm not saving the world I'm nothing is deeply entrenched in my heart. Without this goal of becoming a social worker and saving the world, I feel worthless, hopeless, lost, broken, empty. This is how I approach Christ. Broken. 

My go-to way of dealing with these empty lost feelings is suicide. Somehow, having a plan all worked out, and a back up plan to that plan, and making sure everything is arranged that I can "check out" at any time is hugely comforting to me. I need to take comfort in the Lord, and not in death. I'm praying that the Lord would help me find that place of comfort and healing.