A Good Father

My Pastor said something at church on Saturday that really hit home for me. He was talking about the depth of the sacrifice of God's son on the cross. He says that some people might be so bold as to sacrifice themselves for another; the military, police, firemen, the rare brave man off the street, but none of those people would willingly sacrifice their own child for another person, not one. And that, I believe. I don't think any father would sacrifice their own child for the good of someone else, with absolutely no gain for himself. This casts a whole new light on the beauty of the cross for me. I had always seen God's sacrificing his son as a callous act of an unloving father. Or, not really a sacrifice at all, after all, he knew he would be alive again in 3 days.

The reason I struggle is that my experience has been that fathers, or parents, can and do often sacrifice their children for their own selfish benefit. It happens all the time. Parents choose work or career over their kids so that they might benefit in wealth, prestige or power. Parents will divorce, date and remarry over and over again, to the detriment of their children, for the sake of themselves, with no regard to what this does to the children or what it teaches and models for them. Parents will abuse their kids to make themselves feel better about themselves, big and important and in control. Fathers rape their children for their own sick pleasure. Some will even outright sell their child to another man to be raped and molested for money or drugs or both. This is what my dad did to me. He isn't alone. The sex trade is rampant and packed with mostly young girls, some stolen, some obtained through deceit, but most purchased willingly from their parents. Hear me, some parents make the conscious choice to sell their children into sexual slavery. So yes, parents sacrifice their children for their own personal gain all the time.

This was the lens with which I viewed God; distant and cruel, unloving and selfish. Selling His son into suffering to ransom the souls of men who would then bring HIM glory and honor and praise. But this is not a correct view of God. God was so pained by the suffering His son endured that he had to turn away. He couldn't bear to look, even though he KNEW he would be raised from the dead, whole and restored, in just three days. God suffered the way that loving parents suffer when their child is hurting and it cannot be stopped. I should not wither at the thought of being a child of God, because God loves His children deeply and does not willingly afflict them or sacrifice them. His heart aches with the brokenness of his children. In sacrificing his Son, he subjected himself to the worst emotional pain imaginable - the loss of a child. Oddly enough, I have always said that I could not imagine a more painful experience in life than a loving parent watching helpless as their child suffers and dies. I have absolutely no basis for this deeply held belief because I have no children. But I have always felt that way, perhaps by the prompting of the Holy Spirit, so that one day I could dare to imagine God's love for me that He would sacrifice his own son unto death, willingly, for ME, while I was still a sinner and an enemy of God, with nothing lovely or redeemable about me. He endured the greatest pain imaginable, the watching with restraint as His son suffered and died to save me! How great the love of God! Even greater that He would instill in me a belief and understanding for a depth of pain and grief that I have no basis from which to understand. Its so beautiful that He would love me so much that instead of rejecting me for my wrong and extremely negative view of Him, He met me where I was to gently show me the truth about His deep and abiding love for me.

Oh Father, forgive me for continually accusing you of evil of which you are not capable. Thank you for opening my eyes to your love for me. Please Lord, give me a measure of your understanding and compassion, that I can meet others where they are with great love and tenderness and engage them from a place of understanding and lead them gently to truth just as you have always done for me. I love you Father, I thank you, and Bless your name forever.
In JESUS name, Amen.

I frustrate people

I frustrate people. I don't intend to, but the inevitable outcome of anyone attempting to console me is frustration. I often hear things like, "I don't feel like I'm very helpful" or "I just don't know how to help you" or "I want to take this away from you but I can't" And I feel bad. Suddenly, I'm consoling them and adding guilt to my list of woes.

I am tragically complex in my pain and people love me and want desperately to help me but don't know how to weave through every facet and caveat of my persistent misery. They feel helpless and I feel guilty and nobody every walks away from these conversations feeling encouraged.

But I realized something tonight. This same, frustrating, discouraging experience, time and again, has birth in me a level of patience and compassion for the helpers and the helpless that I would never have known had my wounds been easily soothed with simple consolation. Secondly, it has driven me time after time, night after night, to the total sufficiency of Christ Jesus, the God of all comfort, for the only lasting solace I have ever found.

The reason for this is both simple and profound. Jesus is the answer, no matter what the question is. In Jesus and only in Jesus can I find the fullness of everything I could ever need or desire. When I feel hopeless, I find hope in Christ Jesus. When I feel worthless, I find worth in Christ Jesus. When I am in despair, I find joy in Christ Jesus. When I am overcome with anxiety and fear, I find peace in Christ Jesus. When I am in anguish and deep turmoil, I find comfort in Christ Jesus. When I am trapped, I find freedom in Christ Jesus. When I am deceived, I find truth in Christ Jesus. When I am threatened, I find shelter in Christ Jesus. When I am tired, I find rest in Christ Jesus. When I am weak, I find strength in Christ Jesus. When I am empty, I find fulfillment in Christ Jesus. When I am at my lowest, I am sustained by Christ Jesus.When I fail, I find victory in Christ Jesus.

So, dear helper, do not by dismayed by this elaborate mess of a human being in front of you. Take heart, and point me back to Christ. He will do the rest.

Safely in the fold

I love how the Lord moves in my heart. I sat down to journal about my fears of falling back into the grasp of my struggles. I have not felt victorious in several weeks. I look at the path I am on and fear that I am failing. Lies and temptations and darkness have assaulted me at every turn, but I have no reason to fear. I am standing in the Light. The Light shines in the darkness, and the darkness shall not overcome it.

How have I sustained this thing, when did it grow so large?
The claws hooked deep into my flesh make me wonder whose in charge?
I have one eye on The King, the other on the creature.
I strain my ears and try to hear which is the louder preacher.
The creature screaming doubt and fear, condemning every failure.
While love, peace, joy and hope flow from my blessed Savior.
I'm clinging tightly to my Rock, seeking refuge on solid ground
While darkness whips my world around
sideways, backwards and upside down
I desperately seek my Shepherds voice. I can't hold on much longer.
Gently He whispers, "I've made my choice, your Savior's arms are stronger
The enemy cannot tear you away while I am resolved to hold
So rest my lamb and know I have you tucked safely in the fold. "

Resting on the promises of God!

Rejoicing in His presence.

Nevertheless, I am continually with you;
    you hold my right hand.
You guide me with your counsel,
    and afterward you will receive me to glory.
Whom have I in heaven but you?
    And there is nothing on earth that I desire besides you.

My flesh and my heart may fail,

 but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever. 

For behold, those who are far from you shall perish;
    you put an end to everyone who is unfaithful to you.

But for me it is good to be near God;
    I have made the Lord God my refuge,
    that I may tell of all your works.

Psalm 73:23-28

I am so thankful that by God's grace and mercy, he has remade my heart to sing these words and know that they are truth. I am continually with you! Think of it! Never alone, never abandoned, always in the presence of an almighty God. His presence is the prize. His presence is the goal. God has the power to remove me from my circumstances, or walk with me through them. I once preferred and prayed that he remove them and spare me the hardship. In the past few months however, God has shown me how to delight in His presence while walking with him through the hardships.

 I am reminded of a time when, as a very young child, my father took me and my older brother to a haunted house. As we stood in line I could hear the screaming and loud noises and scary music coming from inside and I grew increasingly terrified, dragging my feet and resisting entering this building. My father and brother each held a hand and dragged me forward, laughing at my fear. Upon reaching the door, a woman steps up and takes my hand. She told me, "I will hold your hand and walk with you through this. I will tell you what is happening and keep you safe." So she walked with me through the building warning me of a loud sound here or a person jumping at me there and shielding my eyes from things she deemed to gruesome for such a young child to see. Throughout the entire ordeal, she held my hand and reassured me that I was safe. I have no reason to remember this event to this day, except that it is a beautiful picture of God's love and care for His children; encouraging, advising and shielding. He is my protection when I am under attack, and my strength and courage when I am weak and fearful. There is truly nothing on this earth I desire besides the presence of God amidst the various trials of this life.

 I could live a life completely free from stress and pain and turmoil, and not have the presence of God amidst my peace, and it would be an utterly empty and joyless existence. There is no real peace, there cannot be true joy without the presence of God. Those things are not predicated on my circumstances, they are free gifts of the Lord, very often lavished on me in times of deep despair and heavy trials. I would rather teeter on the very edge of destruction all the rest of my days, knowing my God is with me and will never forsake me, than to walk through the rest of my life in complete ease and not know the Lord. How blessed am I that He has seen fit to reveal this truth to me. I can rejoice in suffering because Christ has redeemed it for His glory and my good. What mercy!

I had a coworker say of me the other day, "Rachael loves Jesus, but she still struggles so much? What's the advantage" I wish I had been present to answer that question. The advantage is hope! Without God, all my labor, all my striving, any successes and every failure will be for nothing. Life without the promises of salvation and hope in Christ is completely futile! In Christ, I have hope amidst my circumstances. I know that my flesh and my heart will fail. They fail every single day on some level, but I have the security of the promise of the Cross. I have eternity secured, my salvation sealed, my demons conquered. In the end, God wins. In fact, he has already won. 

Therefore, God is the strength of my heart. Of my own power, I am weak and frail. I cannot hold up under the weight of my reality or the darkness of this world. But God, being rich in mercy,  because of the great love with which he loves me, even when I was dead in my sin, made me alive together with Christ. By Grace, I have been saved, and this is the strength of my heart, and this is my hope. God is my refuge and my portion. My portion. All of and exactly what I need. No excesses, no fluff to get lost in. Just enough, perfectly enough. Not lacking in any way. My portion so that I never want for anything. In him I have everything necessary to battle well in this life. Praise God for this truth! Praise Him for his perfect provision, for the hope of my salvation, for the gift of His presence, for His joy, His peace, His protection and His strength.

Originally Posted 1/2012 "Praising HIm for the Intervention"

Two weeks ago at Elder Prayer, I specifically prayed for opportunities to share the Gospel and my testimony. God has been faithful to provide these opportunities since. Earlier this week, I got to tell my old college roommate about Jesus. It was a tense conversation. When we lived together, I was a much different person. Since we graduated, I had become a true follower of Jesus Christ, and she started practicing Budhism, Santaria, and attends a Unitarian church. We had a good discussion about who God really was, and what Jesus’ life and death really means for us. She didn’t receive it well.

I found out today she went to another mutual friend of ours from school and told her I was “scary crazy” and had joined some kind of “damn cult”, her words not mine. This friend called me, concerned. She was a Social worker by training, like myself, so wanted to set up an intervention for me. All this Jesus talk, I had CLEARLY lost my mind.

I just have to laugh at this. When we all lived together, I was drinking heavily, I was mutilating my own body daily, I was dating abusive men, I was depressed, suicidal, self destructive, on a fast track to an early death, but neither of these “friends” thought it was necessary to “stage an intervention” at that point.

But now? Now that Jesus Christ intervened FOR me, now that he RESCUED me, now that my life has meaning and purpose. Now that I have hope, peace and joy, NOW – I need an “intervention”. I honestly can’t stop giggling about the irony in this. And I’m overjoyed by this evidence of God’s grace and mercy. He has changed my heart and my life so RADICALLY that I am no longer palatable to society. My former close friends no longer recognize me. My heart is filled with praises for his goodness.

So my prayer now is this, that my friends would one day also know this level of peace and joy. If God can work a miracle in my heart, there is NOTHING beyond his redemptive power. So I will keep declaring the truth, and proclaiming the gospel, and praying for the Holy Spirit to do a great work in the hearts of those that listen long enough to hear me before they declare me insane.

Originally Posted 4/2012 "Living for Him"

I used to think God was punishing me in life by putting me into situations and places where most people in these same circumstances would feel justified in their unhappiness. In reading in Galatians, and in Tullian Tchividjian’s book, "Jesus + Nothing = Everything, I’ve come to realize that this is really God’s mercy.

Its God’s mercy that I don’t live for the things of this world. There is no relationship, no person, no position, no wealth or power that is holding me here. I can freely and truly say that I am living only for the glory of God, and I can only say that because I do have nothing else.

God knows me. he knows my heart will quickly make an idol of anything that brings me happiness in this moment, or in this life. God knows that I am lazy and a quitter. If I see something that I perceive will make me happy, safe and content NOW, that’s what I will go for. My wicked heart with betray the Lord every time. Indeed, it always has.

But in His mercy, God has stripped all of that away, so that I can lean on NOTHING outside of HIM! Praise God! He could have let me go to pursue the empty joys of this life and chase the wind to the end of my days only to end up alone and in darkness apart from him.

But God said no. He would not give me over to the short sighted and ignorant desires of my heart. He has something better for me. He’s saving me for it. Slowly he is replacing a desire to be with Him because it means a release from this world of unhappy circumstances with a desire to serve him here and now, to further his kingdom on earth, to walk in obedience in love so that I can know the joy of the fullness of Him, now and forever.

Do I lose sight of this promise? Every 3 minutes. Literally. You can cook an egg to my fickle-heart. I take my eyes off of Jesus and I get lost. Jesus! Jesus! Bill Collector! then Jesus! Jesus! Illness! Jesus! Jesus! Depression. Jesus! Jesus! Broken Appliances. Jesus! Jesus! Loneliness! I’m like a gold fish with my ability to remember Gospel peace, grace and promise. But there is still more Grace! He brings me back to him with gentle compassion and understanding, every 3 minutes. He is gentle and loving, even in his discipline. His loving kindness is evidence in him revealing all of this to me.

What mercy! Sometimes I despair of life and want to be with Him. Sometimes I despair in life, but find joy in the closeness this brings me to Him. Today, I am just thankful.

Year of Blessings

Someone I was talking to earlier this week made the remark that "31 has been a bad year for you, hasn't it"
I suppose the answer is, in some ways, yes, but overall, no.

Yes, I spent my 31st birthday in a mental hospital after a suicide attempt. Yes, I attempted and nearly succeeded again just 5 months later. More hospital stays and medical debt. Yes, I had to separate myself from my family of origin. Yes, my self destructive behaviors have destroyed close friendships, and the trust I had built with others. And yes, I now have a tumor in my throat cutting off my airway that I desperately need to have removed but can't possibly afford. But in all this and through all this, I have been immeasurably blessed by the goodness of The Lord.

Where there was deep despair and depression, I now have a new hope in Jesus. Where there has been loneliness and isolation I have found community with friends and church family who have loved me with an enduring, unconditional love. Where I have only ever known oppression and defeat, I have seen victory over sin and darkness. Where anxiety threatens to tear me apart, I have a peace that surpasses understanding. When things seem hopeless or impossible, I find myself filled with inexplicable joy. When I was hungry, I was granted bread. When I was homeless, I was given shelter. If I lacked for anything, I had only to cry out to God and my needs were met and exceeded. When I felt useless, I was granted a purpose in the building of the Kingdom of God. At every insurmountable roadblock I have encountered, my God has been faithful to deliver me and sustain me through it all. Where I did not know and trust The Lord, I am now intimately familiar with His ways, and trusting in His plan for my life with open hands and an open heart.

Yes, I am tremendously blessed by the Lord in this, my 31st year of life. And whether this year of trials ends when I turn 32, or continues another year, another decade, or until God calls me  home to glory, I will continue to sing the praises of the One who delivers, sustains and upholds me with His mighty right hand.

The Lie

 The Lie

They tell me that I'm crazy
That none of this is real
They say my mind betrayed me
They say it always will

There is no hope in my case
My sanity is lost
They should lock me in a safe place
Let the state absorb the cost

Or better yet, just take my life
Just kill myself and end it
Use a gun, a rope, a train, a knife
Don't say goodbye, just do it

The Truth

The truth is I serve a Holy God
And this makes the devil angry
I am ransomed, loved and called
So Satan seeks to destroy me

He wants to call the truth a lie
He taunts me with deceit
He promises torment until I die
Until he dances at my defeat

But I refuse to be decieved
By resisting I grow stronger
I'll meditate on truths that I've received
By the Spirit, I'll endure longer

The truth is stronger than the lie
Christ's light can drown out darkness
Satan may tempt me to give up and die
But my God and I will fight this

Heart's desire

I desire the Lord above all things. To abide in His presence is my ultimate goal. To glory in His light and praise His holy name for all the vastness of eternity is my only aspiration. He is the fullness of everything. To chase after anything else is to labor after emptiness and void. What a fruitless, wasted life! I want my heart to be so bound up with Christ that someone would HAVE to know HIM in order to know me.

In Jesus Christ I have known love and care like I've never experienced nor can I experience in this life. No human attempt can compare. No mortal love will satisfy my heart, which was created for the adoration of a Holy God. For this I was made, and this is my sole pursuit.
God the Father created me in love. Jesus Christ sacrificed himself to save me, in love. The Holy Spirit abides within me, guiding and protecting, revealing and helping, in love! Only such a love is pure. Even my own heart, a love sacrifice for my redeemer, is blemished and tarnished, lacking and completely unworthy. God has loved me with a perfect love. He sent His son to live a perfect life, die a death deserved by me,to bear the full wrath of the Father to set me free! Then conquered death and rose again on the third day. Returned to heaven to reign and rule forever, leaving us with a perfect helper in His own spirit to live inside me. This is how my God has loved me.

My God has loved me in patiently and tenderly calling me back from death over and over again. Each time revealing more of himself to me and withstanding with all understanding my rejection of His perfect love. Until one day, He got through to my stubborn heart the thing he wanted to show me all along. That I have never walked alone, and I never have to walk alone. God's presence is constant in all things, at all times. I need only seek Him and I will find Him. In His mercy, God did not remove from me the tormenting darkness until I realized that I did not need Him to remove it so much as I needed him to walk with me through it. Once I understood this, what freedom! I could have courage in the face of anything. I could not be conquered by darkness in the presence of the Lord, and I was always in the presence of the Lord! This alone would have been enough. I could have endured for all the rest of my days dwelling in darkness knowing that the Lord has never left me or forsaken me, that he stood with me inside it. God showed me his presence in the darkness, and then in a display of power like I've never seen, He reached down with His mighty right hand and removed the darkness and set it apart from me. Then he filled that empty space with such peace and joy as I've never known.

Praise the Lord for His goodness and mercy. He has dealt with me with kindness and all gentleness. He is a loving, attentive Father who desires good things for his children. Praise God with all my heart, with all my life. Praise Him to the end of this life and throughout the next.

Lord please keep these truths central in my mind. May I remember your lessons always. Stay with me in way that I will never forget the things you have shown me. Please keep walking with me. Reveal to me the deep truths of your love. Praise be to your name for all eternity. You alone are worthy to be praised.

Praise the Lord forever!

Praise the Lord in the heavenly places! Praise Him all the earth!
Praise the Lord in the darkness for He has overcome the darkness!
Those spirits speaking lies into my heart are already defeated and damned to hell for eternity!
Hallelujah! Praise His name!
Jesus overcame sin and death and evil and darkness. He has vanquished the enemy to hell forever!
Our Lord Jesus is mighty to save, mighty to deliver, mighty to set the captives free.
I will sing His praises from my heart. I will sing songs of thanks and praise in my work.
I will praise Him with my words and with my works.
I will praise Him with my life.
Praise the Lord, he has delivered me from the chains of evil. By His name I am freed.
The name of Jesus is great and greatly to be praised forever and ever.
I will sing praises to the Lord with song, with tears, with dancing, with laughter, with love, with obedience.
I will worship the Lord forever.
My King, my rock, my deliverer, Jesus Christ, champion of hope, bringer of life, beacon of light in the darkness, Praise to you my King!
May my lips never cease to praise you. May my life be a vibrant testimony of your grace and mercy, your love and kindness, your vastness and sovereignty, your might and power over darkness.
Oh praise the Lord of my salvation! You have saved my soul from hell and delivered my life from the hands of my tormentors.
Praise be to your name, Jesus!
May my eyes never stray from your glory. May my feet never slip from your path.
May I walk in your will in glad submission all the days of my life.
Amen!

A psalm in the night.

When the sun goes down on the day, it also goes down on my soul
As the light slips from the sky it disappears from my eyes and my heart grows dark
My mind is a battlefield at night and the casualties are many
The smoke and the chaos, confusion and fear, uncertainty and anguish
oppress my spirit, depress my soul  and make my heart despondent.

As it is written, My God is with me, whom shall I fear?
My God is for me, of whom shall I be afraid?
I will take courage and wait for the delivering right hand of the Lord.
I will be strong and let my heart take courage.

The enemy seeks to destroy me as I lie in my bed
As I lie down to rest his torment takes hold,
his lies swirl around me like a flock of deranged birds
Swooping and diving and screaming and clawing
until one finds refuge in some unprotected corner of my mind
Confusion sprouts up, doubt takes root and sleep evades me once again.

I cry out to the Lord in my anguish
I cry out in fear
I throw myself on the mercy of a loving God
I seek protection in the shadow of His wings
I look to His promises for asylum from the darkness threatening to engulf me.
I call upon the Lord in my distress.
Only He can rescue me from the consuming flames of evil.

The Lord, my God, is my fortress, my refuge, my stronghold against the devices of the enemy
He will protect. He will defend. He will lift up and establish me.
I will praise my God from the darkness.
I will lift up His holy name in song in the night.
I will speak of his greatness forever.
I will trust in the Lord with all my heart because the Lord my God is trustworthy.
His goodness endures forever. Great is His Faithfulness.

Night watch

The fear that fills you now is the fear that filled you then
The pain you feel is just a remnant of the horror that has been.
Soon the room will cease to spin, your heart will stop its pounding.
Reality will seep back in to secure you in your grounding.
The lights are on, the night will pass in weary, watchful waiting
For the monsters only you can see, for the memories you're hating.
And with a wail you cry to God, "please hear me Lord, please take me!"
"Please lay me down in dust to die, let me sleep and never wake me!"
A groan escapes from deep within, The Spirit calls out, "Daughter!"
"Dry your tears and incline your ears to hear your heavenly Father."
"I hear your pleas, I feel your pain, I'm angered by this injustice
Remember well my goodness, my love, your vengeance is mine, please trust this!
I create beauty from the ashes of a life in ruin and waste.
I will redeem each bitter tear you've cried until sweet freedom you taste"

Tiny Tiger

I have a tiny tiger on a chain
Every little bit I lose is a little bit he gains
Right now I can control each move that he makes
But each day he grows the more effort it takes
And someday he'll grow so large his chain will break
My pet tiger will have grown into an out of control beast
Prowling around my feet, looking for a feast
Waiting for the right time to pounce
And devour
What remains of my flesh
How much longer I have is anyone's guess
So I secure my tiger's chain to the foot of Jesus' cross
And for a moment, I shed a few tears for my loss
Then I walk away from him, feeling light and free
Christ's blood destroyed my tiger before my tiger destroyed me.

Breaking bones, breaking chains

 1/7/13

Growing up in an abusive home means every night, every incident, every betrayal and hurt I experienced resulted in the fracturing of something inside me. Those fractured, left untreated, all healed crooked and bent at odd angles. Like a broken bone left unset and unsplinted, areas of my heart, soul and spirit were permanently crippled. I could still function, but not normally. Things easy for others came at great difficulty for me. My ability to trust, hope, love and live were all fractured, displaced and crippled by abuses experienced so young.

 Then God took hold of my heart, and promised to heal all my old fractures and bents toward unbelief, distrust, fear and hopelessness. So began the long, painful process of rebreaking all those bones, setting them into proper alignment with the truth, and holding and stabilizing the fracture until it could heal again, stronger and straighter than before. God promises that if I trust in Him, he will make my paths straight. In my case, he has not only to make my path straight, he also has to rebreak and remake my body, heart and soul capable of walking straight. 

This is what is happening to me now. It's painful and difficult and seemingly endless. And even though I know it may take the rest of my natural life to locate, rebreak and heal all those old wounds, I know that there will be an end to this suffering. One day I will be called up to The Lord and made new by His grace. Meanwhile the labor of this life is reminding myself of truth. 

The truth that this pain I'm walking in is a healing pain. It is for my good and my joy. It leads to freedom. So I will Praise The Lord for his mighty healing hand, even when the pain is at it's worst. The truth is that God will use the process of this healing to bring Glory to His name and joy to my heart. There is glory in the journey, not just in reaching the destination. 

The truth is that the spiritual surgery he is performing on me is done in love and care for me. Cruelty would be to allow me to continue to walk a crooked path in my brokenness. God is good, He loves me and is for me. This process is long and painful, but it's worth it. It's worth it right now, not just when it's over. God leaves no tear wasted, he redeems every single one. Hope in The Lord, and He will deliver you from darkness.

Repeat: Pure Joy

I first posted this on Facebook on January 9, 2010. Ran across it tonight and was once again infused with joy. We all need a reminder from time to time.
I really hesitate to tell people why I'm so happy, though I probably shouldn't. Its just that, I know many of my friends have different beliefs and I respect them and I don't want anyone to think I'm trying to convert anyone or anything like that. This isn't the Crusades. But if my joy finds itself infectious, then I won't complain. Because its all about changing lives for the better. Mine has certainly gone that direction. Some may say, pull yourself together girl you sound like a crazy person. But if this is crazy, then cheers to my maddness, long may it flourish!

So, here goes.

I went to church tonight, I've been going more lately. I found a new church called the Village with a terrific pastor who is an amazing speaker. Prior to finding the village, I started going to a bible study in Dallas. I know, random, but I think it was all meant to go down this way. When I was younger, I was religious. I said the right things, but I only believed in God because I was afraid to go to Hell frankly. One of the things I learned tonight was that God wants us to believe in Love, not in Fear. I didn't understand any of this back then. So of course, I became disillusioned with church and God and took a break from it, during which time, my life went to pot. I was desperately unhappy, seeking salvation from one wrong man after another, not wanting to live didn't see the point in it really, just miserable. But then, after I pretty much hit rock bottom, I started going to this bible study and now this church and for the first time in my life, I feel like people are being honest with me, that I'm hearing the truth and I feel like I understand now, all the suffering and pain I've been through and that the world has been through.

So why am I happy? Because God loves me despite everything. All those mistakes I've been beating myself up for all these years, God has forgiven me all of them and the ones I haven't even made yet. Its okay for me to be human and make mistakes. Doesn't mean I don't have to make it right when I can, just means I don't have to hate myself. But tonight, I don't know, I guess I just really FELT loved, really loved, for the first time. And I feel IN love. Jesus died for me, is there no greater love. He takes care of me, He listens to me, even at four in the morning, he understands me, and I LOVE him. I finally feel like it doesn't matter that I'm fat and single and poor. I know a love greater than all others, can I really ask for more? Not in this life. And to know that I will never know a night that does not end in dawn, because God has given me eternal life, and not THIS life, not the painful, tedious, laborious life we lead now, but a perfect heavenly life, full of love and beauty and no pain, no more sorrow, no more tears. Its just overwhelming.

And that is why I am happy. Praise be to Lord Jesus, the author of my Joy!!

What I've been missing.

Today was a spiritual battle royal. Evil was doing everything in its power to keep me from hearing the Lords word preached today, they pulled out all the punches, but the Lord prevailed.

I used to think it was the person doing the speaking that was so brilliantly able to reach my soul. Now I know it is the Holy Ghost himself speaking through his vessels, us, to reach his beloved, also us. He can and does use anyone, even non-believers sometimes, to stir our hearts, encourage our spirit, or rebuke our sinfulness.

The thing that really hit home today that was missing from my church experience growing up is this simple fact. Christians suffer too. Believing in the Lord Jesus Christ does not somehow absolve us from the effects of living in a sinful world, i.e suffering. In fact, just the opposite. God practically guarantees we will suffer, and sometimes suffer greatly during out time on earth. But God in his infinite goodness and grace, sent his son to suffer for us, so that our suffering might be limited to this time on earth. What the gospel also guarantees is an eternity of peace in heaven together with God, where this life won't even be remembered, where there will be no crying, no pain, nothing but full, unfathomable joy.

I never heard this growing up. Not saying it wasn't necessarily preached at some point, but I never heard it, grapsed it, understood it. The idea that I got from church in my youth is that Christians didn't suffer, struggle, or falter, unless they were doing something wrong. Any pain in life was a result of sin and a lack of right standing with God. It was to be dealt with alone in prayer, and once you had cleaned yourself up and fixed it with the Lord, you could come back and worship with the body in church. It was what I now know to be the lie of the prosperity gospel.  The idea that God loves you and wants you to be happy 'in this life'.  God does love us, so much that he sent his son to die a painful death on a cross to secure our eternal joy! But he saved us for a purpose, to be a light in the darkness of a sinful world. Something he guarantees will not be easy or readily accepted. But the reward of that work is immeasurably glorious....your soul together in heaven with Christ for an eternity, along with the souls of the lives you touched here on earth, as you suffered well for the cause of furthering the Kingdom of the Lord.

So suffer. Struggle! Be open about it! Don't hide it in the dark and pretend. What matters is not that you struggle, but how you struggle. How you handle suffering can be a beacon of  hope to others who are also suffering, but without the benefit of a savior. You aren't doing anyone any favors by pretending you are Christian and therefore have no problems! You are a Christian and you have problems and Praise GOD for providing us with the ultimate solution to every worldly problem or pain.

So I will go first. I'm struggling. I struggle every day. I have to come before the Lord on my knees daily, several times a day to confess my sin, my fears, my hurts, and ask his forgiveness, comfort and healing...which he always, always provides abundantly. I'm not perfect and never will be as long as I'm living in this body, in this world. Sometimes that makes me want to leave this world. I want to hasten my return to Christs arms in a tangible way. I struggle with this in many ways. I think I've got it under control and it crops back up someplace else, disguised as something else. Pray for me, that I would find joy in this life in living my life for Christ every day. He has called me to something greater, he has a purpose for my life here, and it is not for me to decide when it ends.  Pray that my faith would be stronger than the evil that surrounds me a provokes me to self destruction. Fellow believers, hold me accountable. Don't let me hide in plain sight. And Lord, I pray that I might be an encouragement to others who also struggle, that I would struggle well, in full view of my biblical community and in the light of the cross.

My Greater calling? Or the easy way out?

Two things I'm struggling with right now (okay, more than two, but these are the two I want to talk about).

First Idolatry. Until 2 weeks ago, I didn't think I had a problem with idolatry. I could certainly pinpoint times in my past where I had idols, men mostly, but I thought this was a thing of the past. I thought idols were something God had purged from my life for me, because I couldn't do it myself. But Sunday two weeks ago, my pastor mentioned "comfort" in a list of things we might hold as idols in our lives. Immediately I was convicted. I absolutely idolize my comfort. It had never occurred to me that I could idolize something so intangible. When I think about it, my comfort drives just about everything I do. All of my anxiety stems from threats to my comfort. My "reasons" for not living missionally all boil down to a temporary loss of comfort. Pray with my that the Lord would purge this idol from my life. This ties in later, I promise.

The second thing that has been on my heart recently is this idea of spiritual gifts. I truly, honestly believed that I didn't have any. But my Sponsor mentioned a few weeks back that I might have more clarity as to the Lords path for my life if I understood the ways in which the Lord has gifted me. Not sure where to begin this, I did the only thing I knew how to do. I googled "What are my spiritual gifts" and found a litany of online tests I could take to determine this. So I took several of these tests and they all came out with the same results. I scored high in three areas, Poverty, Faith and Celibacy.

All three of these areas really click with me. Take Poverty for example. For most of my adult life, I've drifted further and further away from the excesses of wealth that seem to permeate our society. I feel that God has been pruning me in this area for many years, even before I acknowledged him as Lord of my life. Living my life as frugally as possible so that I might be able to give more to the work of the Lord is something I am eager to do. I'm praying and looking forward to the ways the Lord will lead me in this. My one fear, though, is that I will use this as an excuse to deprive myself out of a hatred for myself more than out of a love for the Lord and a desire to obey and glorify Him. I must constantly question my motives. Doing the right thing for the wrong reason is still wrong, as I learned in Mexico.

Faith is a gift I had not considered a "gift"  until now. I am guilty of thinking that it was something of myself, a decision I had made of my own power. I'm only just beginning to realize the depths to which God has allowed me to experience faith in Him. Human beings aren't capable of generating faith. Faith is entirely against human nature. Yet I do feel very strong in my faith. This is something new that's developed in the past few years. I used to say that one could not have faith unless they first questioned. I'm not sure how true that is anymore. Having faith means I don't need to question, I just trust and obey. It is a gift, a gift of certainty. I wish it was a gift I could give others.

Celibacy is an interesting one, and the one I am struggling the hardest with right now. Not because I don't want to live a celibate life, but because I really DO! Being called to a life of celibacy releases me from ever having to deal with the elephant in my life. Sex. Abuse. Healthy Relationships. If I never have to date, marry, have a family, I am free to ignore all of that. Of course I'm absolutely loving the possibility! Now some of this desire I believe is God given. I have never really wanted children, and I don't really know what to do with them. Not having a family isn't any real sacrifice for me. I've always felt that way. Surely that is a mercy from God? As for dating and marriage, I did want that, for a season. Every now and then I think I want that again, but even trying to imagine that level of intimacy with anyone exhausts me. I just don't think I have it in me. So it begs the question; am I being called to celibacy? Or am I choosing celibacy against God's will for my life? Or is God using my life circumstances in his mercy to make this calling easier for me to handle. Am I choosing celibacy so that I can run to and cling to Christ? Or am I choosing celibacy so that I can run from and hide from man and the world? This is the million dollar question.

So these are the things I'm praying about, and searching the scriptures for answers. If you know of any scripture references that might be helpful, please share!

A post on this later, but if anyone has any resources on fasting I would really appreciate. Struggling with this.

My testimony

Last weekend, I was baptized by immersion in faith in Jesus Christ at the Village Church. As part of my baptism, I was able to give my testimony. This is roughly what I said, though I did go off-script a bit.

Testimony for Baptism 

3/20/2011

I was born into a Christian home and grew up in the church, this church actually. My parents were founding members of First Baptist Church Highland Village.  In those days, my belief in God was based on a fear of going to hell, and any level of obedience to the Lord, including my baptism at age 7, was done out of fear and not love or a right relationship with the Lord. 

I spent my youth going to church, Sunday school, youth camps, GA’s, VBS, Awanas, and heard all about sin and all the things we are not supposed to do. I thought if I just didn’t do those things, I would be okay. But I would go home, and many of those things were being done to me. I was sexually abused by 2 family members for many years, the same family members that often attended church with me, and that were supposed to protect me.  As most children who are sexually abused do, I blamed myself for what was happening to me. I assumed this was my punishment for not being good enough. I didn’t understand God’s love. I didn’t understand love at all. But I was afraid. If God’s punishment of my sins was this severe on earth, the very idea of hell was terrifying. 

So I must have answered a dozen alter calls, and prayed the sinners prayer a hundred times, for good measure, just to be sure I was safe from hell. But I was far from safe. I was lost and wandering in darkness. 

At an early age I got the idea that if I appeared perfect on the outside, then no one, not even God, would see the guilt, shame and filth on the inside.  So I tried to be perfect. It started out with little things like clearing the dinner table or cleaning my room without being told. Making perfect grades in school because an obsession. I was a doormat for my peers because it was exceedingly important that EVERYBODY like me. Every day I tried my hardest to be a “good person” and every day I fell short.  I hated myself and wanted to die. 

In my late teenage/early college years, I became angry with ‘the church’. The standard I aspired to that was set before me by the church to be worthy of God’s love was impossible to attain. When I sought help, I was met with condemnation. So I gave up trying to earn God’s love by the standards of the church and started trying to earn the love of man by the standards of the world. 

So I set out to be all things to all people. I never said no to anyone. I never disagreed with anyone. I would do anything to please, and I mean anything.  There are people in this world who seem to have radar for people like me. The kind of people I attracted were abusive, controlling and manipulative. I was never good enough for them either. 

I dedicated my life to helping others. I volunteered in my free time and studied social work in school. This culminated in me moving to rural Mexico to work with a non-profit in early 2005. Every day, I gave all of myself in a never ending quest to justify my continued existence on this planet.  Every night I saw nothing but my shortcomings and failures. I hated myself, and that hatred deepened with each passing day. My guilt, shame and despair were heavy weights shackled to my legs growing heavier with every mistake I made. Thoughts of suicide became constant. In late 2007, I was in a dark, dark place. Despairing and hopeless. 

That is where God found me. He put me in a thankless, tiresome job that I hated, but with wonderful co-workers that I loved. In one of these women I observed a great change over the course of several months. In a place filled with misery, she seemed to have new joy. When I asked her about this, she told me about a singles ministry at a church in Dallas and about her small group. I promptly invited myself to this bible study. 

God used the women in this small group to change my life in radical ways. These women loved the Lord and sought him in earnest. They prayed with sincerity and looked to the bible for answers to life’s questions.  At first, I found this very intimidating, but God persisted in bringing me back to the group, week after week. For 2 years I walked with these women and got to know the nature and character of God for the first time. During this time, God was transforming my heart and my life in mighty ways. This process was at once incredibly beautiful, and deeply painful. 

One Saturday, I checked out a service at The Village church with the encouragement of one of my small group leaders. Matt preached about the idea of “goodness” and how we might measure up as compared to a neighbor or family member, but never next to the perfect life and goodness of Christ.  I found this oddly comforting.  I am not a good person. There is no such thing. God KNOWS this. That is why he sent his son to die on the cross to absorb the wrath meant for me. Chandler also said that God’s love was for me now, as I am, and not some future version of me. This idea that God loves ME, the broken, sinful, shame filled me right now is amazing and incredible.  

The God of the universe does not NEED anything from me. Also, there is nothing that can be hidden from him. He already knows the darkest parts of my heart and he STILL loves me! It just blows my mind that love like that is possible and freely given to us. 

God led me to put down roots in my own community, so I joined the Village church and the Lord has been faithful to put amazing, Christ centered people in my life. Biblical community is an amazingly powerful thing.  

Last fall, I once again found myself in a dark place, and I had gathered the means necessary to end my life. Late one night, I sent an email from the Village Church website. I had no idea who I was even emailing or if I would get a reply, but I poured out my despair to whoever, and waited for a reply.  Someone did answer that email, and walked with me out of that dark place. I joined Recovery, then Step studies, and I walk a little further away from that life every day. 

I am not fixed now, nor will I probably ever be. God did not take away my past, the abuse, the shame, the guilt. It’s all still there, but Christ has worked in my heart to change my response to those things. He is molding me in his image bit by bit, day by day. 

I can’t stand here today and tell you about a magical moment in which I was saved. I can’t tell you the day or the hour that it happened. It’s been a journey, a long process that continues. But I can stand here today, assured of my salvation. I am pursuing baptism today out of loving obedience to Jesus Christ. No more alter calls or fear of hell, just an ever deepening relationship with a sovereign Lord, who loves me for me. He died that I might live, that is what makes life worth living. 

My Prayer on my baptism night, was that the Lord would speak through me, in a story not about me, but about the power, grace and mercy of God! I can safely say, the the Lord answered that prayer in a powerful way. A week later, I still get stopped by perfect strangers who heard my testimony and were moved.  I could never have touched anyone that way. Only the Holy Spirit speaking through me could move in such a powerful way. 

Good with God

There's a new ad campaign in Dallas at the moment. Adorning several downtown buses is a large billboard that states "Millions of Americans are Good without God"

My first response to hearing this was sadness. Oh how well I remember the days I thought I was "good without God." I thought I had it all under control. No sweat, I could handle anything. I didn't need God. He was just a concept, not a reality that influenced any part of my life. I was good!

Except I wasn't....not even close. I was miserable and lost and wretched and broken and completely devoid of hope. I just didn't know it.

I can't even begin to describe the change in my soul, in my core being, over the past two/three years. Ever since God called me out on that lie that I was "good" without him. Every day I fall more and more in love with Christ. My whole worldview has shifted. When I think of where I was headed and what my life amounted to before Christ saved me, I rejoice. Christ is not a restriction placed on your life. He is not a set of rules to follow, or pleasures denied your flesh, he IS freedom! He IS pleasure! There can be none without HIM!

I truly understand what is meant now when Christians say that Christ must change your heart, from stone to flesh. Its a very real transformation, for the better. For the first time in my life, I'm ok. Really ok. Nothing has changed about my past, my situation, my future, or my circumstances, but because I have the hope of Christ, everything is different. I just want the whole world to feel this way, to experience God this way.

So when I see signs like these on city buses and billboards, I am not outraged. I'm inspired! How lost is this world. Millions of Americans without God! What a great work the Holy Spirit has to do through me and my fellow Christians. How do I get started?

Changing my heart

I'm praising the Lord today for his work in my heart. He's changing me, slowly but surely.

This morning I woke up early and went to a Waffle House diner for breakfast. Sitting there in the cold dark morning I found myself pondering what it must have been like to be Paul, or any of the apostles. How amazing and miraculous to have witnessed the cross and the resurrection! And the courage it took for them to spread the news as far as they could, knowing it would lead to suffering for them. Having seen something so amazing as the life of Christ, how could they not share what they knew with others?

How is it any different for me? God has been so faithful in my life. Silent gratitude doesn't do much good for anyone. I saw that on a sign and I'm pretty sure they weren't talking about God, but it still applies. I don't know why I'm so hung up on not sharing my faith. How can I keep this to myself? I'm too worried about what others will think of me and what this life will hold for me if I break from social norms, when really, it doesn't matter! This life is but a blink in time!


Lord give me the words.